-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when bạn speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! bạn aren’t supposed to reply when I tell bạn about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: bạn were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t bạn use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is thêm dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let bạn see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: bạn won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from bạn a năm ago! If bạn are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: bạn can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to hiển thị you.
Bella: Why won’t bạn sleep with me?! Do bạn hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The tiếp theo day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! bạn just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did bạn do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car bởi tomorrow, though, hoặc else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If bạn don’t want me to stalk bạn tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer hoặc not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The tiếp theo ngày at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But bạn don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: bạn want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The tác giả of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic hoặc witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: bạn sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while bạn go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: bạn have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if bạn wanna get laid I don’t want to see bạn as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help bạn get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told bạn were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who đã đưa ý kiến that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if bạn ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn bạn and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going trang chủ now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him bởi being with bạn so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: xin chào Eddie!
Edward: Did bạn give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: bạn got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. bạn can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The tiếp theo day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! bạn keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over bạn for the tiếp theo couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN bạn NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One giờ later-
Rosalie: xin chào Bella! Just came in here to tell bạn why I would rather choke mèo con and then eat their flesh before making bạn officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if bạn pitied me bạn would feel bad and do things my way. Do bạn sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: bởi asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. ma cà rồng can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill bạn before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The tiếp theo night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from giáng sinh Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The tiếp theo day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. hoặc the Easter Bunny.
Bella: hoặc the Volturi. hoặc an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want bạn to choose me. I tình yêu you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, bạn do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make bạn tình yêu me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape bạn yet, god. bạn have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t bạn be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take bạn trang chủ now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz hoặc someone else who could give bạn all the answers?
Alice: No. bạn look thêm like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess bạn should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save bạn from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to chó sói, sói boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: xin chào Bella! I got bạn a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! bạn -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a chó sói, sói on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that bạn –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do bạn have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something bạn have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! bạn are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn ma cà rồng coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn ma cà rồng coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: bạn don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what bạn think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of dao, con dao fights before, I have the most experience fighting than bạn lame đít, mông, ass pacifists. So, I’ll teach bạn guys how to dao, con dao our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! bạn JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. hiển thị us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: xin chào Bella? Will bạn marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do bạn do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts bởi the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out bởi banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five phút later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: hoặc at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: bạn can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in tình yêu with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my tim, trái tim flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, bạn know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can bạn give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: xin chào Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! bạn have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! bạn make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those trước đó .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: bạn need to Kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have bạn seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did bạn see those muscles? Wait, are bạn gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He đã đưa ý kiến the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 phút later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would bạn know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I đã đưa ý kiến never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for bạn to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. bạn know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes bạn are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? bạn agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because bạn are in tình yêu with another man while bạn are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know bạn are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in tình yêu with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do bạn hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because bạn are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and bởi the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five phút later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did bạn pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan hoặc something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do bạn understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: xin chào Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force bạn into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think bạn want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when bạn speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! bạn aren’t supposed to reply when I tell bạn about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: bạn were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t bạn use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is thêm dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let bạn see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Edward: Exactly.
Bella: bạn won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from bạn a năm ago! If bạn are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: Bitch…
Bella: Slut!
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: bạn can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to hiển thị you.
Bella: Why won’t bạn sleep with me?! Do bạn hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The tiếp theo day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! bạn just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did bạn do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Bella: Really?
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car bởi tomorrow, though, hoặc else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If bạn don’t want me to stalk bạn tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer hoặc not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The tiếp theo ngày at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But bạn don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: bạn want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Bella: Why?
Mike: I dunno. The tác giả of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic hoặc witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: bạn sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while bạn go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: bạn have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if bạn wanna get laid I don’t want to see bạn as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Jacob: Yes.
Bella: That’s not going to help bạn get some, either.
Jacob: No.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told bạn were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who đã đưa ý kiến that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if bạn ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn bạn and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going trang chủ now.
Jacob: Whhhhyyyy??
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him bởi being with bạn so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: xin chào Eddie!
Edward: Did bạn give him the quarter?
Bella: No…
Edward: bạn got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. bạn can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The tiếp theo day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! bạn keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over bạn for the tiếp theo couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Edward: -leaves-
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Alice: Close.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR emo AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN bạn NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One giờ later-
Rosalie: xin chào Bella! Just came in here to tell bạn why I would rather choke mèo con and then eat their flesh before making bạn officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if bạn pitied me bạn would feel bad and do things my way. Do bạn sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
-At school-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
-At beach-
Jacob: So…
Bella: So.
Jacob: Yeah.
Bella: Mhmm…
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: bởi asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Jacob: Well…
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. ma cà rồng can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill bạn before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
Jacob: Damn.
-The tiếp theo night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from giáng sinh Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The tiếp theo day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: Who?
Edward: Santa.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. hoặc the Easter Bunny.
Bella: hoặc the Volturi. hoặc an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want bạn to choose me. I tình yêu you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, bạn do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make bạn tình yêu me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape bạn yet, god. bạn have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t bạn be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take bạn trang chủ now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
-Graduation Day-
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz hoặc someone else who could give bạn all the answers?
Alice: No. bạn look thêm like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess bạn should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on emo boy.
-At graduation-
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save bạn from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
-At party-
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to chó sói, sói boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: xin chào Bella! I got bạn a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! bạn -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a chó sói, sói on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that bạn –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do bạn have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Oh.
-awkward silence-
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something bạn have to tell me?
Bella: No…
Jacob: Yes there is! bạn are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn ma cà rồng coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn ma cà rồng coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
-after party-
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: bạn don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what bạn think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of dao, con dao fights before, I have the most experience fighting than bạn lame đít, mông, ass pacifists. So, I’ll teach bạn guys how to dao, con dao our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! bạn JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. hiển thị us how to go all second-hand emo on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: xin chào Bella? Will bạn marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Edward: Fine.
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do bạn do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts bởi the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
-In forest-
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out bởi banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five phút later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: hoặc at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: bạn can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in tình yêu with Jacob.
Edward: Why?
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my tim, trái tim flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, bạn know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can bạn give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: xin chào Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! bạn have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! bạn make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those trước đó .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: bạn need to Kiss me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have bạn seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did bạn see those muscles? Wait, are bạn gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He đã đưa ý kiến the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 phút later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would bạn know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I đã đưa ý kiến never held hands with a GIRL.
Jacob: Oh.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for bạn to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
-In tent-
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Bella: What?
Edward: That’s what she said. bạn know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes bạn are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? bạn agree with me?
Edward: Yep.
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because bạn are in tình yêu with another man while bạn are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know bạn are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in tình yêu with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do bạn hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because bạn are a stupid and wimpy human.
Bella: Ouch.
Edward: Oh, and bởi the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five phút later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did bạn pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan hoặc something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do bạn understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: xin chào Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
-At meadow-
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force bạn into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think bạn want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Nope.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!
