January 1, 2015,
I looked around the hospital room and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so glad that I can finally go home! I didn't expect it to take that many days for me to be rehydrated enough to go home!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến as we walked out to my truck "what do bạn think your family is going to say when they find out that you're pregnant with my baby?" I đã đưa ý kiến "you heard what the doctor đã đưa ý kiến to me yesterday; I can't be stressed out and I can pretty much guarantee bạn that a few people in particular are going to raise my stress level once they find out I'm pregnant again! The whole reason I passed out in the first place was because of the pressure that was being put on me! The last thing I need are my uncles and aunt Janet complaining about me being pregnant!!!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I understand that bạn don't want to tell them; but bạn can't hide it forever! Wouldn't bạn rather them find out from us? Rather than the other option; which is to hiển thị up one ngày with a huge stomach and have your water break!" I đã đưa ý kiến "it's completely up to bạn whether bạn want to tell them are not! All I know is that I'm not putting up with their BS because it's not good for me hoặc the baby! bạn can tell them; just don't do it when I'm around because I really don't want to hear it! I couldn't care less about what they think and I don't feel like they should act like they deserve for their opinions to be heard! They tried to turn grandma against me and my siblings! They kidnapped her and we had no idea where she was! They talk bad about dad in front of all of us and that makes me so angry because all dad ever did for them was basically bend over backwards to make sure that had everything they ever wanted! I don't even really think I want to see them again for as long as I live!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "we really need to stop talking about this because I can tell just doing that is stressing bạn out babe! Don't worry about telling them that you're pregnant; I'll tell them when you're not around!" I đã đưa ý kiến "in the meantime, we can at least tell my grandmother, Blanket, Prince, and Paris because I know that they'll be happy for us!" Kyle asked "how are we going to tell Carter?" I đã đưa ý kiến "give me a few days because I just got out of the hospital and I need to regroup! We can tell him after I get settled back in at home!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I feel so terrible that bạn had that much stress on your shoulders! I shouldn't have let Frank put that much pressure on bạn about going back on tour when bạn weren't ready to!" I đã đưa ý kiến "that's not your fault Kyle! I realize that I'm the one that has to bring the money in for us to live off of. I can promise bạn that a few months after the baby is born I'll be thêm than ready to go on tour again because I'll have thêm time to prepare my mind to be away from bạn guys for nine months straight!"
We pulled up in front of my grandmother's house and walked inside. Grandma came up to me and frantically asked "are bạn okay? What happened? I heard bạn passed out at your concert!!!" I chuckled and đã đưa ý kiến "relax grandma; I'm fine!" She đã đưa ý kiến "sorry; I just feel like I have to compensate for how worried your father would be if he was here!" Paris and Prince came running up to me and Prince đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so glad you're okay AJ! I was really worried about bạn when I found out that bạn passed out!" Paris đã đưa ý kiến "I know; I was too! The video of bạn passing out on stage is all over YouTube and the news! I guess one of the những người hâm mộ had a video camera with them and captured the whole thing! bạn seemed like bạn to the ground really hard!"
I opened up the doors to the den and gestured for my grandmother and siblings to follow me inside. Grandma đã đưa ý kiến "whatever happened to bạn must've been pretty serious for bạn to want to talk to us alone in here! I don't like the vibe you're putting out AJ; you're worrying me!" Kyle and I sat down on the đi văng tiếp theo to them and they all looked at us with worried expressions on their faces. We sat there in stunned silence for about five phút before Kyle burst out and đã đưa ý kiến "I can't take it anymore; AJ'S PREGNANT!!!" Paris looked at me and đã đưa ý kiến "wait; I thought bạn couldn't get her pregnant Kyle! It is Kyle's baby; I hope!" I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "of course it's his baby Paris! I would never cheat on Kyle!" She took a sigh of relief as Prince asked "then how are bạn pregnant with his baby?" I đã đưa ý kiến "there was only a 5% chance of him being able to get me pregnant on his own; so we thought the odds of it actually working were pretty much impossible! I guess this is one of those times where someone can say never say never!" Grandma asked "is that why bạn passed out AJ? Did bạn know bạn were pregnant? Were bạn trying to hide it just so bạn could go on tour and hope that nobody would find out?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; I didn't pass out because of that. I passed out because I was dehydrated from the morning sickness. I didn't know at all that I'm pregnant! I just thought I was throwing up because of nerves. Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind!" She asked "were bạn and Kyle still trying to get pregnant; even though the doctor đã đưa ý kiến that there was pretty much your chance of that happening?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I wouldn't say that we were necessarily trying to get pregnant. It was one of those things where if that happened we wouldn't be opposed to it! Kyle and I pretty much accepted the fact that he would never give us any biological children together! Before this happened, we actually started looking into adopting a child. "Blanket đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so happy that I'm going to be an uncle again!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "we really appreciate bạn watching Carter and taking him to school for us while AJ has been in the hospital! Before I forget, I want bạn guys to help keep AJ's stress level down during the pregnancy because the doctor đã đưa ý kiến it's not good for the baby!!! The doctors don't really want her doing too much while she's pregnant! She's pretty much on giường rest the entire pregnancy!" Prince laughed and đã đưa ý kiến "like that's going to happen! AJ has ADHD and is going to be impossible to make her relax for nine months!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I have a feeling it's going to take all of us for her to follow through with taking it easy; but we have to make it work!"
January 9, 2015,
Carter sat at the edge of his giường watching TV when Kyle and I decided to check on him. I sat down and đã đưa ý kiến "hi buddy; I bet you're wondering why I didn't go on tour like I đã đưa ý kiến I was going to!" He đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; I was just thinking about that! Why didn't bạn go mommy?" I đã đưa ý kiến with a smile on my face "you're going to have a little brother hoặc sister soon!" He asked "you and daddy are having a baby together? How come your stomach is not big?" Kyle chuckled and đã đưa ý kiến "it doesn't get big right away Carter! It'll be a while before bạn can really tell!" Carter đã đưa ý kiến "make sure it's a boy because I want a little brother!" I đã đưa ý kiến "we don't get to pick what it's going to be Carter; it just happens!"
February 3, 2015,
I had just left the bathroom, after waking up early in the morning with morning sickness and I climbed back into bed. Kyle asked "are bạn sure you're okay?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yes; I told bạn it's normal for me to be throwing up!" He đã đưa ý kiến "if there's anything bạn ever need from me don't be afraid to ask!" I đã đưa ý kiến "there is one thing." He asked "what is it?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I've been craving Chinese thực phẩm like crazy and I was wondering if bạn would go get us some?" He looked over at the clock and đã đưa ý kiến "it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if any Chinese thực phẩm places are open this early. I'll go check anyway; just because I tình yêu you." I đã đưa ý kiến "thanks Kyle; I really appreciate it!"
A few hours later, he arrived back at the house and walked up to our bedroom carrying a huge bag of Chinese food. He đã đưa ý kiến "sorry it took me so long; you're in luck though because I found a 24-hour Chinese thực phẩm restaurant a few towns over!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you didn't have to drive that far just to get me the thực phẩm that I wanted!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I know; but I wanted to!" He started picked up thực phẩm out of the bag and sat down on the bed. He đã đưa ý kiến "I know Damien wasn't here for bạn last time when bạn were pregnant with Carter and I want to hiển thị bạn how a real man is supposed to act!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you don't really have to treat me any different just because I'm pregnant." He đã đưa ý kiến "you deserve to be treated like the Queen!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I know one thing's for sure; I hate being stuck in this bedroom all ngày every day!" He đã đưa ý kiến "it's only been a little over a week and bạn are already going crazy!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't understand why I have to lay in giường pretty much the entire pregnancy! My ADHD is driving me nuts and I don't know how much of this I can take!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I know that it seems like it sucks right now; but it'll be worth it once bạn see the baby for the first time!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I know you're right; I just hope that I can keep my stress level down enough to where it doesn't affect the baby!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I'll do everything I can to make sure that bạn relax as much as possible until the baby is born! Don't worry about anything because I've got it under control!"
February 23, 2015,
"I can't believe we're having a baby girl!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến as we walked in the house after going to the doctors. I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so glad it's a girl because after this I'm done being pregnant! I don't want any thêm kids!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "we have our son and our daughter and that's good enough for me!" I sat down on the đi văng and Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "since I wasn't around when bạn named Carter, bạn should let me name her on my own! At least the first name!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know if bạn can handle that Kyle! It would be different if we were having a boy; but bạn have to remember that whatever name we name our daughter she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life! I don't want her to have a stupid name!" He đã đưa ý kiến "the name I picked out isn't that bad! How about if I give her the name I picked out for her first name and bạn can pick out whatever bạn want for her middle name?" I asked "what name did bạn pick out for her first name Kyle?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Addison." I raised my eyebrows and đã đưa ý kiến "actually, I like it! Okay: bạn win! We can name her Addison!"
I grabbed the baby book off the bàn and started to flip through the pages. I stopped and đã đưa ý kiến out loud "Addison Avery; how does that sound to you?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I really like that!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I guess her names going to be Addison Avery Lester; that was easier than I thought it would be!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "speaking of names; I've always wondered why bạn didn't change your last name to Lester when bạn and I got married." I đã đưa ý kiến "it's not that I didn't want to; but part of my celebrity image is my last name and if I changed it that would probably affect my fans! I've been known as Alanna Jackson bởi the public for so long that it would be awkward if I changed my last name." He đã đưa ý kiến "that's okay; I understand! I was just always curious. It doesn't really matter to me whether hoặc not bạn have my last name!"
April 15, 2015,
Kyle was gone go shopping and I was up in my room when the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end đã đưa ý kiến "excuse me; I'm looking for Miss Jackson." I đã đưa ý kiến "this is her." She responded "hello; I'm the principal at your son Carter's school." I asked "is everything okay?" She đã đưa ý kiến "no; not really. Carter's been suspended and I need bạn to come pick him up." I đã đưa ý kiến "suspended; what can bạn possibly suspend a first grader for doing?" She đã đưa ý kiến "Carter was using foul language in front of the other children and inside his classroom. He was told several times not to say the things he was saying; but he just continued on." I đã đưa ý kiến as I sighed "okay; I'll be there in a few phút to pick him up."
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to be walking around much, I had to go pick up Carter because Kyle was gone. After driving to the school, I climbed out of my truck and walked inside. I walked down to the principal's office and the secretary let me into the room. I casually walked in and Carter looked up at me with shame in his eyes. I looked at the principal and đã đưa ý kiến as I grabbed Carter's arm "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I assure bạn that it won't happen again." She đã đưa ý kiến "he suspended for a week of school. I'll see bạn then."
After Carter and I got into the truck, he looked at me in silence and I looked at him and he đã đưa ý kiến "please don't tell daddy mommy!" I asked "what did bạn say in your classroom that got bạn in trouble?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I told the teacher to shut the fuck up because she wouldn't stop complaining about my handwriting! Please don't tell daddy!" I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "don't worry; I won't because I know how it feels to get into trouble and I'm not the type of parent that's going to punish you. It's no big deal; I'll figure something out so daddy doesn't suspect anything weird going on!"
When we pulled into the driveway, Kyle had already gotten trang chủ and had parked his car tiếp theo to my parking spot. The two of us walked inside and Kyle asked "where have bạn been AJ? bạn know you're not supposed to be out of bed! Why is Carter with you?" I đã đưa ý kiến while thinking quickly "you must've forgotten that today starts April break for Carter! He doesn't have school for a whole week." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I've been so busy making sure that you're okay AJ that I must've forgotten all about it!" As Kyle walked away, Carter gave me a secretive high-five and đã đưa ý kiến "thanks for covering for me mommy!"
April 21, 2015,
I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy because Kyle won't let me do anything other than stay up here in our bedroom all ngày every day! I decided to have him bring some of my childhood trang chủ phim chiếu rạp for us to watch together. He put one of the phim chiếu rạp in the VCR and pressed play:
Dated at the bottom of the screen January 5, 2005,
I was holding the camera and laughing hysterically as dad attempted to skateboard; but he could barely stand up on it. He đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know about this AJ! It doesn't look safe! I don't know how bạn do this! It's moving around too much for me!" I đã đưa ý kiến "dad; come on! You're being such a wimp! Once bạn get the hang of it, you'll be fine; trust me! It's not as hard as it looks!" He hopped off skateboard and đã đưa ý kiến "I'll stick to dancing. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to skateboard on that thing I will crack my head open!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you're going to be missing out; that's all I have to say about it." He đã đưa ý kiến "all I know about skateboarding is that I better not catch bạn without your mũ bảo hiểm on!" I đã đưa ý kiến "yeah, yeah, yeah; I know dad! bạn don't have to give me a lecture!" He đã đưa ý kiến "it may seem like I'm nagging you; but you'll thank me later!"
*Video ends*
I immediately started crying and Kyle asked "is it the pregnancy mood swings again?" I đã đưa ý kiến "my dad was supposed to be here! He shouldn't have died! Being pregnant again only makes me miss him thêm because it reminds me of how much he did for me when I was pregnant with Carter!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I wish there was something I could do to make bạn feel better! If bạn don't want to watch anymore video we don't have to." I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't think I could handle watching another video with him in it. It's just too much for me to handle! I don't understand why I was just so mean to him when all he ever wanted was to make me a good person! I just keep going back to the ngày when I pretty much ditched him with Carter to go get drunk with some of my friends! I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good mom at all of the beginning! My dad pretty much took care of him on his own while I slept all ngày and drank all night! I hate to say it; but if my dad wasn't around to take care of Carter those last few months before he passed away I don't think I would have Carter today! He would probably be in the foster care system because I wouldn't have taken care of him! Looking back on it now, I treated my dad like a personal babysitter and I should have appreciated everything that he's done for me over the years! It wasn't fair to him! He didn't want to be a dad again and basically he was because I wasn't taking care of my son!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "you really need to stop beating yourself up for that! That happened a long time cách đây and bạn heard what the psychic said! Your dad forgives bạn and he doesn't want bạn to feel guilty about stuff that happened before he died!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I just don't understand why he had to die when I was only 15 years old and a teenage mother on hàng đầu, đầu trang of that! He left me at the worst possible time and I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of how the real world worked! Anytime I ever got in trouble before, he would come to my rescue and now he isn't here anymore to protect me from how awful the world can be!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I know that if he had the choice to stay alive he would still be here! He even told bạn through the psychic that he wasn't ready to leave this world!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I would do anything just to hug him one thêm time!"
April 25, 2015,
Kyle came and asked with irritation in his voice "how long were bạn planning to lie to me?" I asked "what do bạn mean?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Carter's school just called and asked me if we wanted someone to drop off the school work he's missed this week!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I knew bạn would overreact and punish Carter from getting suspended! That's the whole reason I lied to bạn in the first place!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want this to turn into a fight because it's not good for bạn hoặc the baby. All I'm saying is that if bạn don't start punishing him soon for misbehaving it will only get worse." I đã đưa ý kiến "I realized that Kyle; but what he did wasn't that bad! I've done way worse when I was seven years old!"
Kyle called Carter into our bedroom and Kyle asked "how come bạn didn't tell me that bạn got suspended from school?" Carter đã đưa ý kiến "mommy đã đưa ý kiến it was no big deal! bạn just need to mind your own business daddy!” My eyes widened in shock bởi what had just come out of my son’s mouth. I đã đưa ý kiến "don't talk to your dad like that Carter." Kyle just rolled his eyes in disbelief as Carter walked out of the room.
May 3, 2015,
Kyle came out of Carter's bedroom and đã đưa ý kiến "I took the video game out of his room." I asked "why did bạn do that?" He đã đưa ý kiến "because his teacher just called and he's been suspended again." I asked "what did he do this time?" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "he ran off of school grounds during recess and the teacher couldn't find him!" I đã đưa ý kiến "maybe we should just take him out of school and start homeschooling him." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "that's not going to fix the problem AJ! What he really needs is for one of us to discipline him and since bạn won't let me do it you're going to have to!" I đã đưa ý kiến "disciplining him isn't going to make a difference. I don't see it as a big deal because the teachers found him. I'm not going to discipline him for that Kyle!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến with irritation in his voice "so you're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you're gone on tour? I'll have to deal with him and a newborn baby all on my own; the way things are going he's going to be out of control bởi the time bạn leave! The principal đã đưa ý kiến she would drop him off for us because I can't trust bạn to stay in giường like you're supposed to!"
Before long, Carter walked through the door and Kyle looked at me; expecting me to do something. I walked Carter into his room and shut the door behind us. I sat down on the giường tiếp theo to him and đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe bạn walked off of school grounds Carter!" He đã đưa ý kiến "whatever" and flopped backwards onto the bed. I đã đưa ý kiến "it's not whatever Carter! Nobody knew where bạn were and bạn could have gotten hurt! Someone could've hurt bạn hoặc kidnapped you! Do bạn know how sad your dad and I would have been if we Mất tích you?" Carter chuckled and đã đưa ý kiến "I was only gone for a few phút mommy!" I đã đưa ý kiến sternly "I don't find this funny at all and bạn will be punished!" Carter đã đưa ý kiến "yeah right; bạn wouldn't do that!" I asked "you want to bet?"
I removed the mounted flatscreen TV off of the tường and walked out of the room. Once Carter realized what I was doing, he ran up to me and kicked me in my stomach right in front of Kyle. That's when Kyle flipped out! He shouted "DID bạn JUST KICK YOUR MOTHER IN THE STOMACH?" Carter immediately started crying at the sound of Kyle raising his voice at him because he's never done that before. I đã đưa ý kiến "whoa Kyle; chill out! He's only seven!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "go to your room Carter!" Carter ran off to his room and slammed the door.
Kyle asked frantically "are bạn okay? I can't believe he kicked bạn in your stomach; you're pregnant!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I know you're scared for the baby; but that doesn't give bạn any excuse to scream at Carter like that! bạn saw his face; he was terrified of bạn and still is! I didn't expect bạn to traumatize him like that! He's never been exposed to that sort of reaction before! I don't appreciate bạn diễn xuất like that towards him and I think bạn should apologize to him! That was totally uncalled for!"
Kyle felt terrible as he walked into Carter's bedroom and saw him hysterically crying on his bed. Kyle knelt down tiếp theo to him and đã đưa ý kiến "I didn't mean to scare bạn Carter. I'm sorry buddy! bạn just can't kick mommy in the stomach like that because it could've hurt the baby. That's the only reason why I screamed at you; but I won't do it again because I know it was wrong!" Carter sat up and đã đưa ý kiến "that was really scary how your face turned red!"
Kyle decided to leave the room because he was feeling awful and I think he actually wanted to cry. I sat down on the giường and looked around the room. I proceeded to give my son a lecture; which is something I thought I would never do. I đã đưa ý kiến "if your behavior doesn't get better soon I'm going to start making bạn go to school at home; like I had originally planned." Carter đã đưa ý kiến "but bạn can't do that because I have so many friends! I tình yêu going to school!" I đã đưa ý kiến "if I want to do that than I have the right as your mother to do so." Carter asked eagerly "if I say I'm sorry for getting suspended from school and kicking bạn do I get my TV back?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yes; a week from now! Nice try though!"
I shut Carter's bedroom door after setting him up with a game on my laptop. I stood outside the doorway and slid my back down the tường as I sat down on the ground. Kyle came over with tears in his eyes and sat down tiếp theo to me. He put his arm around me and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so sorry AJ! I never intended to scream at him like that! I guess I just got caught up in the moment and overreacted!" I stared off into không gian and Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I đã đưa ý kiến softly under my breath "I just realized how much I sounded like my dad when I was punishing Carter just now. Oh my God; that's freaking me out! I sounded exactly like he did when he was punishing me!" Kyle laughed and đã đưa ý kiến "I bet bạn never thought in 1 million years that bạn would lecture your son just like your dad did with bạn for 15 years!"
May 13, 2015,
I was going through some old stuff in the attic while Carter looked through some boxes for something to play with. He came across a book and passed it to me. I asked "what's this buddy?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know; but it has your name on it. I looked at the front cover of what appeared to be a bức ảnh album with the words "daddy's little tomboy" written in marker across the top.
Carter sat on my lap as I started to flip through the pages. He pointed to a picture of dad and I in the swimming pool and asked "who is that? Why are they in our swimming pool?" I đã đưa ý kiến as I chuckled "that's me when I was your age and your Papa!" He asked with a puzzled look on his face "why are bạn guys in our swimming pool?" I đã đưa ý kiến "this is where I grew up Carter! My daddy raised me here just like daddy and I are raising bạn here!" Carter joked "you grew up mommy? bạn still act like a big kid!" I smiled and đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; I guess I really didn't grow up after all!"
As we looked at the various photos, Carter asked "what was your daddy like?" I just sat there in silence for what felt like forever trying to process what he had just asked me. I đã đưa ý kiến as a single tear ran down my face "he was the best daddy ever!" He asked "why are bạn crying mommy?" I đã đưa ý kiến "it's okay to cry." I wiped my tear filled eyes as Carter asked "do bạn have any good stories bạn can tell me about Papa?" I moved the two of us off of the ground and sat down with Carter still on my lap in a really comfortable reclining chair. I đã đưa ý kiến "plenty of good stories!" Carter asked "can bạn tell me some of them?" I đã đưa ý kiến "of course I will!"
I started bởi saying "I remember one time when I was almost 3 when your Papa took me to Disneyland right before uncle Prince was born. It was only the một giây time I ever remember going to Disneyland and I remember that I was scared of Mickey Mouse. I wouldn't let go of your Papa's leg and was screaming at the hàng đầu, đầu trang of my lungs! Then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be okay! That he would never let anything happen to me! That there was nothing to be afraid of because he was there to protect me!" I started crying hysterically with Carter still on my lap as I recalled those exact words coming out of my father's mouth.
I moved Carter off of my lap and said" I'm sorry Carter; I can't talk about him anymore! I'll be back in a few minutes. Why don't bạn go watch TV in your room for a while? I'm going to go to my room. Carter đã đưa ý kiến "I'm sorry I made bạn cry mommy."
I ran up to our bedroom just as Kyle was getting dressed and collapsed onto the giường in a mess of emotions that Kyle had never witnessed coming from me before. He lay down tiếp theo to me and asked "oh my God; what's wrong babe?" I started hyperventilating and forced out of the words "I think – I'm having – a panic – attack!" He đã đưa ý kiến "just take deep breaths; calm down!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't do this without my dad!" Kyle asked "you can't do what without your dad?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't live life without him!" He đã đưa ý kiến "yes bạn can! You've been doing pretty good!" I đã đưa ý kiến "he was supposed to be there for all of this! We got married and he wasn't physically there! I'm going to be having another baby and he won't even get to meet Addison! Carter doesn't even know really who his grandfather is; even though I tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I guess I just don't want to let my dad go! I can't be at peace with him being gone! Okay; I admit it! I needed him and I still need him! I JUST WANT MY DADDY; THAT'S ALL I WANT! I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME! I KNOW I'M 21 YEARS OLD; BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME LIKE I'M FIVE YEARS OLD AGAIN AND NEVER LET GO! I don't miss my dad; I MISS MY DADDY! The daddy that tucked me into giường every night; even when I was a teenager he still did that! The daddy that always told me that he loved me; no matter what I did! The daddy that cut my thực phẩm for me when I was little! The daddy that tied my shoes for me and then spent hours teaching me how to tie them on my own! The daddy that consoled me when I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream! The daddy that wiped my –." Kyle widened his eyes with an awkward look on his face and đã đưa ý kiến "I can see where this is going!" I burst out laughing and đã đưa ý kiến "I was going to say nose!" Kyle breathed sigh of relief and đã đưa ý kiến "oh thank God!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I chuckled "I'm not excluding what bạn thought as a possibility when I was younger he did do that; when I was a toddler! Anyway; my point is that I realized that I don't miss my dad at all! Who I really miss is my daddy! The sad thing is that I pushed my daddy away a long time ago; when he was still alive! He would always try to reconnect with me after I turned into a teenager; but I didn't want to spend any time with him!"
Kyle moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He đã đưa ý kiến "I know that I'll never be as good as Michael was; but I'm not going anywhere! Everything is going to be okay and bạn can do this! We can do this! You're not alone!"
September 22, 2015,
I shook Kyle out of the deep sleep he was in and đã đưa ý kiến "it's time Kyle!" He asked as he yawned "time for me to get bạn some thêm food?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; it's time for bạn to take me to the hospital! I woke up a few phút cách đây to go to the bathroom and my water broke when I got back into bed."
Kyle immediately jumped out of giường and đã đưa ý kiến "oh my God! What are we going to do with Carter?" I đã đưa ý kiến "my brother’s phone number is on speed dial and I already told him to be prepared to come over here and watch Carter if this happened in the middle of the night. Don't worry; I already called him and he's on his way. Actually, I think he just pulled into the driveway.
Kyle did something that I definitely wasn't expecting. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms as he ran out the door. Prince asked as he chuckled "what the heck are bạn carrying AJ for Kyle? Her water broke; she's not paralyzed!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến frantically "there's no time to talk; we're having a baby anytime now!" Kyle practically threw the house keys out of the car window as we sped down the road. Kyle asked "are bạn okay? The baby isn't coming yet is it?" I đã đưa ý kiến "don't worry; she's not going anywhere unless I start pushing." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "whatever bạn do; please don't push! I don't want to be another news story about a father her delivers his baby on the side of the road!" I đã đưa ý kiến "calm down Kyle; I'm thêm calm than bạn are and I'm in a lot of pain!" He đã đưa ý kiến "sorry; I'm just excited and nervous all at once!"
After a nurse took us to a hospital room, we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in. After she arrived, she đã đưa ý kiến "oh my God; this baby is going to come out any một giây now! bạn didn't start pushing yet; did you?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; why?" She đã đưa ý kiến "the baby's head in already all the way out! I have a feeling you're only going to need to push once! I was going to offer bạn the epidural; but there's no time!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I recalled the tremendous pain I was in from giving birth to Carter without the epidural "I don't want to do this without some sort of numbing medication!" She đã đưa ý kiến "you don't really have a choice at this point! We just have to get this baby out as soon as possible! Trust me; it's not going to be as bad as the first time because all bạn need is push a little bit and the baby will be out."
Sure enough, without even really trying; our daughter was brought into this world. Kyle looked over and đã đưa ý kiến "she has my hair; she's pretty much bald though.” One of the nurses passed her to Kyle and he started to cry as he looked down at her. He brought her up to me and đã đưa ý kiến "here's our little miracle baby! Addison Avery Lester." I took her out of his arms and đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe bạn and I created something so beautiful together!" The Doctor đã đưa ý kiến "she seems really healthy; bạn can go trang chủ with her today if bạn want to!"
After signing a release form, Kyle and I walked out to his car and he started trying to figure out how to install the car seat. I chuckled as he Công chúa tóc mây himself up with the seatbelt in the back ghế, chỗ ngồi and đã đưa ý kiến "I thought bạn would've practiced this a few times; before we brought her home!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I think I figured it out; go ahead." I buckled her into the car ghế, chỗ ngồi after sitting down tiếp theo to it and Kyle started the car.
I đã đưa ý kiến "I have a feeling that Carter will be sleeping still; bởi the time we get back to the house. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I don't think we shouldWake him up." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "Prince must've woken him up because I can see him through the windows in front of the house and he's watching TV."
Kyle walked behind me while he carried the car ghế, chỗ ngồi with Addison inside it. Carter waited patiently while Prince took his niece over to him. Carter held Addison for a lot longer than I expected him to. He đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so excited that I'm a big brother!" I đã đưa ý kiến "that means you're going to have to help take care of Addison with daddy while I'm on tour starting in a few months. That reminds me of something; Kyle when are bạn going to start decorating Paris's old bedroom into the nursery for Addison?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Addison can stay in our room until after bạn leave on tour and that way it can be a surprise for bạn when bạn get home. Trust me; it'll be worth the wait! I'm going to make the most perfect nursery anyone could ever imagine for my little girl! In the meantime, let's appreciate the last four months before bạn leave on your tour because after that I'm going to be taking care of two kids all on my own for nine months straight. Surprisingly, I'm looking phía trước, chuyển tiếp to it!"
I looked around the hospital room and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so glad that I can finally go home! I didn't expect it to take that many days for me to be rehydrated enough to go home!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến as we walked out to my truck "what do bạn think your family is going to say when they find out that you're pregnant with my baby?" I đã đưa ý kiến "you heard what the doctor đã đưa ý kiến to me yesterday; I can't be stressed out and I can pretty much guarantee bạn that a few people in particular are going to raise my stress level once they find out I'm pregnant again! The whole reason I passed out in the first place was because of the pressure that was being put on me! The last thing I need are my uncles and aunt Janet complaining about me being pregnant!!!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I understand that bạn don't want to tell them; but bạn can't hide it forever! Wouldn't bạn rather them find out from us? Rather than the other option; which is to hiển thị up one ngày with a huge stomach and have your water break!" I đã đưa ý kiến "it's completely up to bạn whether bạn want to tell them are not! All I know is that I'm not putting up with their BS because it's not good for me hoặc the baby! bạn can tell them; just don't do it when I'm around because I really don't want to hear it! I couldn't care less about what they think and I don't feel like they should act like they deserve for their opinions to be heard! They tried to turn grandma against me and my siblings! They kidnapped her and we had no idea where she was! They talk bad about dad in front of all of us and that makes me so angry because all dad ever did for them was basically bend over backwards to make sure that had everything they ever wanted! I don't even really think I want to see them again for as long as I live!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "we really need to stop talking about this because I can tell just doing that is stressing bạn out babe! Don't worry about telling them that you're pregnant; I'll tell them when you're not around!" I đã đưa ý kiến "in the meantime, we can at least tell my grandmother, Blanket, Prince, and Paris because I know that they'll be happy for us!" Kyle asked "how are we going to tell Carter?" I đã đưa ý kiến "give me a few days because I just got out of the hospital and I need to regroup! We can tell him after I get settled back in at home!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I feel so terrible that bạn had that much stress on your shoulders! I shouldn't have let Frank put that much pressure on bạn about going back on tour when bạn weren't ready to!" I đã đưa ý kiến "that's not your fault Kyle! I realize that I'm the one that has to bring the money in for us to live off of. I can promise bạn that a few months after the baby is born I'll be thêm than ready to go on tour again because I'll have thêm time to prepare my mind to be away from bạn guys for nine months straight!"
We pulled up in front of my grandmother's house and walked inside. Grandma came up to me and frantically asked "are bạn okay? What happened? I heard bạn passed out at your concert!!!" I chuckled and đã đưa ý kiến "relax grandma; I'm fine!" She đã đưa ý kiến "sorry; I just feel like I have to compensate for how worried your father would be if he was here!" Paris and Prince came running up to me and Prince đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so glad you're okay AJ! I was really worried about bạn when I found out that bạn passed out!" Paris đã đưa ý kiến "I know; I was too! The video of bạn passing out on stage is all over YouTube and the news! I guess one of the những người hâm mộ had a video camera with them and captured the whole thing! bạn seemed like bạn to the ground really hard!"
I opened up the doors to the den and gestured for my grandmother and siblings to follow me inside. Grandma đã đưa ý kiến "whatever happened to bạn must've been pretty serious for bạn to want to talk to us alone in here! I don't like the vibe you're putting out AJ; you're worrying me!" Kyle and I sat down on the đi văng tiếp theo to them and they all looked at us with worried expressions on their faces. We sat there in stunned silence for about five phút before Kyle burst out and đã đưa ý kiến "I can't take it anymore; AJ'S PREGNANT!!!" Paris looked at me and đã đưa ý kiến "wait; I thought bạn couldn't get her pregnant Kyle! It is Kyle's baby; I hope!" I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "of course it's his baby Paris! I would never cheat on Kyle!" She took a sigh of relief as Prince asked "then how are bạn pregnant with his baby?" I đã đưa ý kiến "there was only a 5% chance of him being able to get me pregnant on his own; so we thought the odds of it actually working were pretty much impossible! I guess this is one of those times where someone can say never say never!" Grandma asked "is that why bạn passed out AJ? Did bạn know bạn were pregnant? Were bạn trying to hide it just so bạn could go on tour and hope that nobody would find out?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; I didn't pass out because of that. I passed out because I was dehydrated from the morning sickness. I didn't know at all that I'm pregnant! I just thought I was throwing up because of nerves. Being pregnant was the last thing on my mind!" She asked "were bạn and Kyle still trying to get pregnant; even though the doctor đã đưa ý kiến that there was pretty much your chance of that happening?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I wouldn't say that we were necessarily trying to get pregnant. It was one of those things where if that happened we wouldn't be opposed to it! Kyle and I pretty much accepted the fact that he would never give us any biological children together! Before this happened, we actually started looking into adopting a child. "Blanket đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so happy that I'm going to be an uncle again!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "we really appreciate bạn watching Carter and taking him to school for us while AJ has been in the hospital! Before I forget, I want bạn guys to help keep AJ's stress level down during the pregnancy because the doctor đã đưa ý kiến it's not good for the baby!!! The doctors don't really want her doing too much while she's pregnant! She's pretty much on giường rest the entire pregnancy!" Prince laughed and đã đưa ý kiến "like that's going to happen! AJ has ADHD and is going to be impossible to make her relax for nine months!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I have a feeling it's going to take all of us for her to follow through with taking it easy; but we have to make it work!"
January 9, 2015,
Carter sat at the edge of his giường watching TV when Kyle and I decided to check on him. I sat down and đã đưa ý kiến "hi buddy; I bet you're wondering why I didn't go on tour like I đã đưa ý kiến I was going to!" He đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; I was just thinking about that! Why didn't bạn go mommy?" I đã đưa ý kiến with a smile on my face "you're going to have a little brother hoặc sister soon!" He asked "you and daddy are having a baby together? How come your stomach is not big?" Kyle chuckled and đã đưa ý kiến "it doesn't get big right away Carter! It'll be a while before bạn can really tell!" Carter đã đưa ý kiến "make sure it's a boy because I want a little brother!" I đã đưa ý kiến "we don't get to pick what it's going to be Carter; it just happens!"
February 3, 2015,
I had just left the bathroom, after waking up early in the morning with morning sickness and I climbed back into bed. Kyle asked "are bạn sure you're okay?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yes; I told bạn it's normal for me to be throwing up!" He đã đưa ý kiến "if there's anything bạn ever need from me don't be afraid to ask!" I đã đưa ý kiến "there is one thing." He asked "what is it?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I've been craving Chinese thực phẩm like crazy and I was wondering if bạn would go get us some?" He looked over at the clock and đã đưa ý kiến "it's 6 o'clock in the morning and I don't know if any Chinese thực phẩm places are open this early. I'll go check anyway; just because I tình yêu you." I đã đưa ý kiến "thanks Kyle; I really appreciate it!"
A few hours later, he arrived back at the house and walked up to our bedroom carrying a huge bag of Chinese food. He đã đưa ý kiến "sorry it took me so long; you're in luck though because I found a 24-hour Chinese thực phẩm restaurant a few towns over!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you didn't have to drive that far just to get me the thực phẩm that I wanted!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I know; but I wanted to!" He started picked up thực phẩm out of the bag and sat down on the bed. He đã đưa ý kiến "I know Damien wasn't here for bạn last time when bạn were pregnant with Carter and I want to hiển thị bạn how a real man is supposed to act!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you don't really have to treat me any different just because I'm pregnant." He đã đưa ý kiến "you deserve to be treated like the Queen!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I know one thing's for sure; I hate being stuck in this bedroom all ngày every day!" He đã đưa ý kiến "it's only been a little over a week and bạn are already going crazy!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't understand why I have to lay in giường pretty much the entire pregnancy! My ADHD is driving me nuts and I don't know how much of this I can take!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I know that it seems like it sucks right now; but it'll be worth it once bạn see the baby for the first time!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I know you're right; I just hope that I can keep my stress level down enough to where it doesn't affect the baby!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I'll do everything I can to make sure that bạn relax as much as possible until the baby is born! Don't worry about anything because I've got it under control!"
February 23, 2015,
"I can't believe we're having a baby girl!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến as we walked in the house after going to the doctors. I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so glad it's a girl because after this I'm done being pregnant! I don't want any thêm kids!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "we have our son and our daughter and that's good enough for me!" I sat down on the đi văng and Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "since I wasn't around when bạn named Carter, bạn should let me name her on my own! At least the first name!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know if bạn can handle that Kyle! It would be different if we were having a boy; but bạn have to remember that whatever name we name our daughter she is going to be stuck with for the rest of her life! I don't want her to have a stupid name!" He đã đưa ý kiến "the name I picked out isn't that bad! How about if I give her the name I picked out for her first name and bạn can pick out whatever bạn want for her middle name?" I asked "what name did bạn pick out for her first name Kyle?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Addison." I raised my eyebrows and đã đưa ý kiến "actually, I like it! Okay: bạn win! We can name her Addison!"
I grabbed the baby book off the bàn and started to flip through the pages. I stopped and đã đưa ý kiến out loud "Addison Avery; how does that sound to you?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I really like that!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I guess her names going to be Addison Avery Lester; that was easier than I thought it would be!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "speaking of names; I've always wondered why bạn didn't change your last name to Lester when bạn and I got married." I đã đưa ý kiến "it's not that I didn't want to; but part of my celebrity image is my last name and if I changed it that would probably affect my fans! I've been known as Alanna Jackson bởi the public for so long that it would be awkward if I changed my last name." He đã đưa ý kiến "that's okay; I understand! I was just always curious. It doesn't really matter to me whether hoặc not bạn have my last name!"
April 15, 2015,
Kyle was gone go shopping and I was up in my room when the phone rang. I answered it and the person on the other end đã đưa ý kiến "excuse me; I'm looking for Miss Jackson." I đã đưa ý kiến "this is her." She responded "hello; I'm the principal at your son Carter's school." I asked "is everything okay?" She đã đưa ý kiến "no; not really. Carter's been suspended and I need bạn to come pick him up." I đã đưa ý kiến "suspended; what can bạn possibly suspend a first grader for doing?" She đã đưa ý kiến "Carter was using foul language in front of the other children and inside his classroom. He was told several times not to say the things he was saying; but he just continued on." I đã đưa ý kiến as I sighed "okay; I'll be there in a few phút to pick him up."
Even though I knew I wasn't supposed to be walking around much, I had to go pick up Carter because Kyle was gone. After driving to the school, I climbed out of my truck and walked inside. I walked down to the principal's office and the secretary let me into the room. I casually walked in and Carter looked up at me with shame in his eyes. I looked at the principal and đã đưa ý kiến as I grabbed Carter's arm "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I assure bạn that it won't happen again." She đã đưa ý kiến "he suspended for a week of school. I'll see bạn then."
After Carter and I got into the truck, he looked at me in silence and I looked at him and he đã đưa ý kiến "please don't tell daddy mommy!" I asked "what did bạn say in your classroom that got bạn in trouble?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I told the teacher to shut the fuck up because she wouldn't stop complaining about my handwriting! Please don't tell daddy!" I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "don't worry; I won't because I know how it feels to get into trouble and I'm not the type of parent that's going to punish you. It's no big deal; I'll figure something out so daddy doesn't suspect anything weird going on!"
When we pulled into the driveway, Kyle had already gotten trang chủ and had parked his car tiếp theo to my parking spot. The two of us walked inside and Kyle asked "where have bạn been AJ? bạn know you're not supposed to be out of bed! Why is Carter with you?" I đã đưa ý kiến while thinking quickly "you must've forgotten that today starts April break for Carter! He doesn't have school for a whole week." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I've been so busy making sure that you're okay AJ that I must've forgotten all about it!" As Kyle walked away, Carter gave me a secretive high-five and đã đưa ý kiến "thanks for covering for me mommy!"
April 21, 2015,
I'm running out of things to do to keep myself busy because Kyle won't let me do anything other than stay up here in our bedroom all ngày every day! I decided to have him bring some of my childhood trang chủ phim chiếu rạp for us to watch together. He put one of the phim chiếu rạp in the VCR and pressed play:
Dated at the bottom of the screen January 5, 2005,
I was holding the camera and laughing hysterically as dad attempted to skateboard; but he could barely stand up on it. He đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know about this AJ! It doesn't look safe! I don't know how bạn do this! It's moving around too much for me!" I đã đưa ý kiến "dad; come on! You're being such a wimp! Once bạn get the hang of it, you'll be fine; trust me! It's not as hard as it looks!" He hopped off skateboard and đã đưa ý kiến "I'll stick to dancing. I'm afraid that if I keep trying to skateboard on that thing I will crack my head open!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you're going to be missing out; that's all I have to say about it." He đã đưa ý kiến "all I know about skateboarding is that I better not catch bạn without your mũ bảo hiểm on!" I đã đưa ý kiến "yeah, yeah, yeah; I know dad! bạn don't have to give me a lecture!" He đã đưa ý kiến "it may seem like I'm nagging you; but you'll thank me later!"
*Video ends*
I immediately started crying and Kyle asked "is it the pregnancy mood swings again?" I đã đưa ý kiến "my dad was supposed to be here! He shouldn't have died! Being pregnant again only makes me miss him thêm because it reminds me of how much he did for me when I was pregnant with Carter!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I wish there was something I could do to make bạn feel better! If bạn don't want to watch anymore video we don't have to." I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't think I could handle watching another video with him in it. It's just too much for me to handle! I don't understand why I was just so mean to him when all he ever wanted was to make me a good person! I just keep going back to the ngày when I pretty much ditched him with Carter to go get drunk with some of my friends! I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't a good mom at all of the beginning! My dad pretty much took care of him on his own while I slept all ngày and drank all night! I hate to say it; but if my dad wasn't around to take care of Carter those last few months before he passed away I don't think I would have Carter today! He would probably be in the foster care system because I wouldn't have taken care of him! Looking back on it now, I treated my dad like a personal babysitter and I should have appreciated everything that he's done for me over the years! It wasn't fair to him! He didn't want to be a dad again and basically he was because I wasn't taking care of my son!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "you really need to stop beating yourself up for that! That happened a long time cách đây and bạn heard what the psychic said! Your dad forgives bạn and he doesn't want bạn to feel guilty about stuff that happened before he died!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I just don't understand why he had to die when I was only 15 years old and a teenage mother on hàng đầu, đầu trang of that! He left me at the worst possible time and I wasn't at all prepared for the reality of how the real world worked! Anytime I ever got in trouble before, he would come to my rescue and now he isn't here anymore to protect me from how awful the world can be!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "I know that if he had the choice to stay alive he would still be here! He even told bạn through the psychic that he wasn't ready to leave this world!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I would do anything just to hug him one thêm time!"
April 25, 2015,
Kyle came and asked with irritation in his voice "how long were bạn planning to lie to me?" I asked "what do bạn mean?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Carter's school just called and asked me if we wanted someone to drop off the school work he's missed this week!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I knew bạn would overreact and punish Carter from getting suspended! That's the whole reason I lied to bạn in the first place!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want this to turn into a fight because it's not good for bạn hoặc the baby. All I'm saying is that if bạn don't start punishing him soon for misbehaving it will only get worse." I đã đưa ý kiến "I realized that Kyle; but what he did wasn't that bad! I've done way worse when I was seven years old!"
Kyle called Carter into our bedroom and Kyle asked "how come bạn didn't tell me that bạn got suspended from school?" Carter đã đưa ý kiến "mommy đã đưa ý kiến it was no big deal! bạn just need to mind your own business daddy!” My eyes widened in shock bởi what had just come out of my son’s mouth. I đã đưa ý kiến "don't talk to your dad like that Carter." Kyle just rolled his eyes in disbelief as Carter walked out of the room.
May 3, 2015,
Kyle came out of Carter's bedroom and đã đưa ý kiến "I took the video game out of his room." I asked "why did bạn do that?" He đã đưa ý kiến "because his teacher just called and he's been suspended again." I asked "what did he do this time?" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "he ran off of school grounds during recess and the teacher couldn't find him!" I đã đưa ý kiến "maybe we should just take him out of school and start homeschooling him." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "that's not going to fix the problem AJ! What he really needs is for one of us to discipline him and since bạn won't let me do it you're going to have to!" I đã đưa ý kiến "disciplining him isn't going to make a difference. I don't see it as a big deal because the teachers found him. I'm not going to discipline him for that Kyle!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến with irritation in his voice "so you're just going to leave me to pick up the pieces when you're gone on tour? I'll have to deal with him and a newborn baby all on my own; the way things are going he's going to be out of control bởi the time bạn leave! The principal đã đưa ý kiến she would drop him off for us because I can't trust bạn to stay in giường like you're supposed to!"
Before long, Carter walked through the door and Kyle looked at me; expecting me to do something. I walked Carter into his room and shut the door behind us. I sat down on the giường tiếp theo to him and đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe bạn walked off of school grounds Carter!" He đã đưa ý kiến "whatever" and flopped backwards onto the bed. I đã đưa ý kiến "it's not whatever Carter! Nobody knew where bạn were and bạn could have gotten hurt! Someone could've hurt bạn hoặc kidnapped you! Do bạn know how sad your dad and I would have been if we Mất tích you?" Carter chuckled and đã đưa ý kiến "I was only gone for a few phút mommy!" I đã đưa ý kiến sternly "I don't find this funny at all and bạn will be punished!" Carter đã đưa ý kiến "yeah right; bạn wouldn't do that!" I asked "you want to bet?"
I removed the mounted flatscreen TV off of the tường and walked out of the room. Once Carter realized what I was doing, he ran up to me and kicked me in my stomach right in front of Kyle. That's when Kyle flipped out! He shouted "DID bạn JUST KICK YOUR MOTHER IN THE STOMACH?" Carter immediately started crying at the sound of Kyle raising his voice at him because he's never done that before. I đã đưa ý kiến "whoa Kyle; chill out! He's only seven!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "go to your room Carter!" Carter ran off to his room and slammed the door.
Kyle asked frantically "are bạn okay? I can't believe he kicked bạn in your stomach; you're pregnant!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I know you're scared for the baby; but that doesn't give bạn any excuse to scream at Carter like that! bạn saw his face; he was terrified of bạn and still is! I didn't expect bạn to traumatize him like that! He's never been exposed to that sort of reaction before! I don't appreciate bạn diễn xuất like that towards him and I think bạn should apologize to him! That was totally uncalled for!"
Kyle felt terrible as he walked into Carter's bedroom and saw him hysterically crying on his bed. Kyle knelt down tiếp theo to him and đã đưa ý kiến "I didn't mean to scare bạn Carter. I'm sorry buddy! bạn just can't kick mommy in the stomach like that because it could've hurt the baby. That's the only reason why I screamed at you; but I won't do it again because I know it was wrong!" Carter sat up and đã đưa ý kiến "that was really scary how your face turned red!"
Kyle decided to leave the room because he was feeling awful and I think he actually wanted to cry. I sat down on the giường and looked around the room. I proceeded to give my son a lecture; which is something I thought I would never do. I đã đưa ý kiến "if your behavior doesn't get better soon I'm going to start making bạn go to school at home; like I had originally planned." Carter đã đưa ý kiến "but bạn can't do that because I have so many friends! I tình yêu going to school!" I đã đưa ý kiến "if I want to do that than I have the right as your mother to do so." Carter asked eagerly "if I say I'm sorry for getting suspended from school and kicking bạn do I get my TV back?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yes; a week from now! Nice try though!"
I shut Carter's bedroom door after setting him up with a game on my laptop. I stood outside the doorway and slid my back down the tường as I sat down on the ground. Kyle came over with tears in his eyes and sat down tiếp theo to me. He put his arm around me and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so sorry AJ! I never intended to scream at him like that! I guess I just got caught up in the moment and overreacted!" I stared off into không gian and Kyle asked "what's wrong?" I đã đưa ý kiến softly under my breath "I just realized how much I sounded like my dad when I was punishing Carter just now. Oh my God; that's freaking me out! I sounded exactly like he did when he was punishing me!" Kyle laughed and đã đưa ý kiến "I bet bạn never thought in 1 million years that bạn would lecture your son just like your dad did with bạn for 15 years!"
May 13, 2015,
I was going through some old stuff in the attic while Carter looked through some boxes for something to play with. He came across a book and passed it to me. I asked "what's this buddy?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know; but it has your name on it. I looked at the front cover of what appeared to be a bức ảnh album with the words "daddy's little tomboy" written in marker across the top.
Carter sat on my lap as I started to flip through the pages. He pointed to a picture of dad and I in the swimming pool and asked "who is that? Why are they in our swimming pool?" I đã đưa ý kiến as I chuckled "that's me when I was your age and your Papa!" He asked with a puzzled look on his face "why are bạn guys in our swimming pool?" I đã đưa ý kiến "this is where I grew up Carter! My daddy raised me here just like daddy and I are raising bạn here!" Carter joked "you grew up mommy? bạn still act like a big kid!" I smiled and đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; I guess I really didn't grow up after all!"
As we looked at the various photos, Carter asked "what was your daddy like?" I just sat there in silence for what felt like forever trying to process what he had just asked me. I đã đưa ý kiến as a single tear ran down my face "he was the best daddy ever!" He asked "why are bạn crying mommy?" I đã đưa ý kiến "it's okay to cry." I wiped my tear filled eyes as Carter asked "do bạn have any good stories bạn can tell me about Papa?" I moved the two of us off of the ground and sat down with Carter still on my lap in a really comfortable reclining chair. I đã đưa ý kiến "plenty of good stories!" Carter asked "can bạn tell me some of them?" I đã đưa ý kiến "of course I will!"
I started bởi saying "I remember one time when I was almost 3 when your Papa took me to Disneyland right before uncle Prince was born. It was only the một giây time I ever remember going to Disneyland and I remember that I was scared of Mickey Mouse. I wouldn't let go of your Papa's leg and was screaming at the hàng đầu, đầu trang of my lungs! Then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that everything was going to be okay! That he would never let anything happen to me! That there was nothing to be afraid of because he was there to protect me!" I started crying hysterically with Carter still on my lap as I recalled those exact words coming out of my father's mouth.
I moved Carter off of my lap and said" I'm sorry Carter; I can't talk about him anymore! I'll be back in a few minutes. Why don't bạn go watch TV in your room for a while? I'm going to go to my room. Carter đã đưa ý kiến "I'm sorry I made bạn cry mommy."
I ran up to our bedroom just as Kyle was getting dressed and collapsed onto the giường in a mess of emotions that Kyle had never witnessed coming from me before. He lay down tiếp theo to me and asked "oh my God; what's wrong babe?" I started hyperventilating and forced out of the words "I think – I'm having – a panic – attack!" He đã đưa ý kiến "just take deep breaths; calm down!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't do this without my dad!" Kyle asked "you can't do what without your dad?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't live life without him!" He đã đưa ý kiến "yes bạn can! You've been doing pretty good!" I đã đưa ý kiến "he was supposed to be there for all of this! We got married and he wasn't physically there! I'm going to be having another baby and he won't even get to meet Addison! Carter doesn't even know really who his grandfather is; even though I tried so hard to keep his memory alive. I guess I just don't want to let my dad go! I can't be at peace with him being gone! Okay; I admit it! I needed him and I still need him! I JUST WANT MY DADDY; THAT'S ALL I WANT! I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME! I KNOW I'M 21 YEARS OLD; BUT I JUST WANT HIM TO HOLD ME LIKE I'M FIVE YEARS OLD AGAIN AND NEVER LET GO! I don't miss my dad; I MISS MY DADDY! The daddy that tucked me into giường every night; even when I was a teenager he still did that! The daddy that always told me that he loved me; no matter what I did! The daddy that cut my thực phẩm for me when I was little! The daddy that tied my shoes for me and then spent hours teaching me how to tie them on my own! The daddy that consoled me when I woke up in the middle of the night because of a bad dream! The daddy that wiped my –." Kyle widened his eyes with an awkward look on his face and đã đưa ý kiến "I can see where this is going!" I burst out laughing and đã đưa ý kiến "I was going to say nose!" Kyle breathed sigh of relief and đã đưa ý kiến "oh thank God!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I chuckled "I'm not excluding what bạn thought as a possibility when I was younger he did do that; when I was a toddler! Anyway; my point is that I realized that I don't miss my dad at all! Who I really miss is my daddy! The sad thing is that I pushed my daddy away a long time ago; when he was still alive! He would always try to reconnect with me after I turned into a teenager; but I didn't want to spend any time with him!"
Kyle moved me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He đã đưa ý kiến "I know that I'll never be as good as Michael was; but I'm not going anywhere! Everything is going to be okay and bạn can do this! We can do this! You're not alone!"
September 22, 2015,
I shook Kyle out of the deep sleep he was in and đã đưa ý kiến "it's time Kyle!" He asked as he yawned "time for me to get bạn some thêm food?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; it's time for bạn to take me to the hospital! I woke up a few phút cách đây to go to the bathroom and my water broke when I got back into bed."
Kyle immediately jumped out of giường and đã đưa ý kiến "oh my God! What are we going to do with Carter?" I đã đưa ý kiến "my brother’s phone number is on speed dial and I already told him to be prepared to come over here and watch Carter if this happened in the middle of the night. Don't worry; I already called him and he's on his way. Actually, I think he just pulled into the driveway.
Kyle did something that I definitely wasn't expecting. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms as he ran out the door. Prince asked as he chuckled "what the heck are bạn carrying AJ for Kyle? Her water broke; she's not paralyzed!" Kyle đã đưa ý kiến frantically "there's no time to talk; we're having a baby anytime now!" Kyle practically threw the house keys out of the car window as we sped down the road. Kyle asked "are bạn okay? The baby isn't coming yet is it?" I đã đưa ý kiến "don't worry; she's not going anywhere unless I start pushing." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "whatever bạn do; please don't push! I don't want to be another news story about a father her delivers his baby on the side of the road!" I đã đưa ý kiến "calm down Kyle; I'm thêm calm than bạn are and I'm in a lot of pain!" He đã đưa ý kiến "sorry; I'm just excited and nervous all at once!"
After a nurse took us to a hospital room, we sat there waiting for the doctor to come in. After she arrived, she đã đưa ý kiến "oh my God; this baby is going to come out any một giây now! bạn didn't start pushing yet; did you?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; why?" She đã đưa ý kiến "the baby's head in already all the way out! I have a feeling you're only going to need to push once! I was going to offer bạn the epidural; but there's no time!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I recalled the tremendous pain I was in from giving birth to Carter without the epidural "I don't want to do this without some sort of numbing medication!" She đã đưa ý kiến "you don't really have a choice at this point! We just have to get this baby out as soon as possible! Trust me; it's not going to be as bad as the first time because all bạn need is push a little bit and the baby will be out."
Sure enough, without even really trying; our daughter was brought into this world. Kyle looked over and đã đưa ý kiến "she has my hair; she's pretty much bald though.” One of the nurses passed her to Kyle and he started to cry as he looked down at her. He brought her up to me and đã đưa ý kiến "here's our little miracle baby! Addison Avery Lester." I took her out of his arms and đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe bạn and I created something so beautiful together!" The Doctor đã đưa ý kiến "she seems really healthy; bạn can go trang chủ with her today if bạn want to!"
After signing a release form, Kyle and I walked out to his car and he started trying to figure out how to install the car seat. I chuckled as he Công chúa tóc mây himself up with the seatbelt in the back ghế, chỗ ngồi and đã đưa ý kiến "I thought bạn would've practiced this a few times; before we brought her home!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I think I figured it out; go ahead." I buckled her into the car ghế, chỗ ngồi after sitting down tiếp theo to it and Kyle started the car.
I đã đưa ý kiến "I have a feeling that Carter will be sleeping still; bởi the time we get back to the house. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I don't think we shouldWake him up." Kyle đã đưa ý kiến "Prince must've woken him up because I can see him through the windows in front of the house and he's watching TV."
Kyle walked behind me while he carried the car ghế, chỗ ngồi with Addison inside it. Carter waited patiently while Prince took his niece over to him. Carter held Addison for a lot longer than I expected him to. He đã đưa ý kiến "I'm so excited that I'm a big brother!" I đã đưa ý kiến "that means you're going to have to help take care of Addison with daddy while I'm on tour starting in a few months. That reminds me of something; Kyle when are bạn going to start decorating Paris's old bedroom into the nursery for Addison?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Addison can stay in our room until after bạn leave on tour and that way it can be a surprise for bạn when bạn get home. Trust me; it'll be worth the wait! I'm going to make the most perfect nursery anyone could ever imagine for my little girl! In the meantime, let's appreciate the last four months before bạn leave on your tour because after that I'm going to be taking care of two kids all on my own for nine months straight. Surprisingly, I'm looking phía trước, chuyển tiếp to it!"
