I sit here on the roof of Titans' Tower in the night, overlooking the river where the stars and moon's reflections glimmer in the cool cold water. I can see the city, the lights bright against the dark sky, glittering and sparkling against the empty blackness of space. Across the lake, I can see the harbors that the manufacturing ships and barges used to come into in the past. Beyond that, I can see the cars go bởi on the streets underneath luminous lamps. I can practically hear their tires hissing on the slick roads, wet from the rain we had earlier, which I can still taste upon my tongue. I can see people moving about quickly on the sidewalks, clutching their coats around them tightly, hurrying to their intended destination. I pull my áo choàng tighter around me as a chill breeze causes me to shiver slightly.
I am alone.
As another biting breeze blows by, I pull the mui xe of my áo choàng off my head, letting my hair fall loose in the wind. The wind chills my scalp but caresses my locks, making them dance in the soft winds. I take a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the lake and the cold, and slowly exhale, picturing sending all my inner turmoil along with my banished breath.
This is where I come to sort out my thoughts. To calm down. To be at peace, and to not be alone.
It's strange that I feel alone. After all, I am constantly surrounded bởi four Những người bạn whom I share many adventures with. While we are virtually inseparable, it still seems like I am alone in this bleak world, faced with a prospect no one else can understand hoặc comprehend. After all, how many other teenage girls have the power to destroy a city, sitting unstably inside of them, ready to be released at the slightest provocation? Not many. Probably only one. Me.
I don't really want to be alone. Rather, I want someone else to understand the peace I feel up here, someone who understands the calm I feel when I come to the roof, someone who not only understands the sense of universal belonging but also worldly isolation, and someone who understands me.
No one does, though. So I remain alone.
I started this when I was young. When I was just learning how to control my emotions, I used to go outside and watch Azarath'sthree moons meet in the sky for the lunar equinox. I would watch as the great glowing globes would seemingly merge into one in the peak of the night, and watch as they slowly separated again, heading towards their own part of the horizon. It always calmed me, and helped me be truly calm in a way that nothing else did for me.
When I come up here, a tremendous calm steals over my spirit, and I feel a tremendous sense of belonging in the universe, despite the never-ending feeling of isolation from the rest of the world. It's an amazing sense of oneness, and it seems like nothing can go wrong, like I'm out in outer space. The feelings of universal belonging but worldly isolation consume me, until no thought floats through my mind. I just lay there, being.
But sadly, nothing lasts forever, and when I must go back inside the tower, the feeling leaves me, and I am only left with the problems I previously faced.
I hear a siren go off in the distance, and someone yelling faintly at another. The noise jolts me from my memories, as I return to the present. I notice that it has grown even thêm chill and harsher, but I can scarcely feel the cold.
I take a deep breath, inhaling fully and deliberately. I look over the river, over the harbor, over the city, over the sky. I exhale slowly, and feel a peace come over me that I long for during the day. I feel a tremendous sense of belonging in the universe, as if it doesn't matter that I don't feel like part of this world.
I am peaceful, calm, content.
I lean back onto the roof on hàng đầu, đầu trang of my áo choàng without really realizing it, looking up at the night sky, glittering and glimmering with stars, planets, galaxies, and other mystical things yet to be discovered. I watch as a shooting ngôi sao goes by. As is the tradition, I make a wish: that someone else could understand besides the stars, the planets, the wind, and the moon. As the comet vanishes beyond the horizon, I hear a slight disturbance to my right, like the sound of leaves rustling in the wind. I continue to look at the moon though, watching, just feeling calm.
Out of my peripheral vision, I can see bạn settle down beside me. bạn lie back on your cape, fold your arms behind your head, and look up at the sky. At any other time, I would be angry that bạn are disturbing my peaceful introspection. But I cannot feel anything but an immense sense of contentment, and it keeps my tongue from lashing out. I ignore bạn and turn to look at the sparkling sky, and become Mất tích in my thoughts once again.
I feel myself slipping into the deep calm I cherish. I relax completely and lose myself in sensations of the winds and awe of the vast sky. I think of nothing, and my mind stays blissfully blank. Nothing disturbs my peace. No thoughts are invading my brain; no worries are invading my mind. I am simply being, existing, being one with the rest of the universe. The awareness of being part of the universe is intense and titillating, and it makes me want to stay here forever.
"Nice, isn't it?"
Your words should startle me, but surprisingly, they don't. Instead, it is like I knew bạn were going to speak, like how you're always dimly aware that rain is coming from a heavy fog. I should be angry that bạn disturb my contemplation, but I find that I am not. I have no desire to summon a sarcastic remark for the first time in years.
"Yeah," I respond simply, remaining watching the stars. bạn remain silent, and I turn to meet your gaze.
"Why're bạn up here?" I inquire, curious and intrigued bởi why bạn are on the roof with me.
bạn sigh. "Remember the fight earlier?"
"How could I forget?" I respond dryly.
We had been called to a bank earlier to stop a robbery. We had been told the bandit was armed, had hostages, was ruthless, and must be stopped at all costs. We raced there, intent on apprehending the vicious criminal.
To our shock and horror, the supposed 'ruthless bandit' was no older than us. He was wearing tattered clothes and was so thin he looked ready to float away on a breeze. He held a gun in his right hand, trembling, and a giggling toddler in his left arm. He looked about to cry, and we knew he would never be able to hurt anybody, even for the money that would save his life. Waves of emotional torment were practically radiating off of him, and with my emphatic abilities, I knew just how upset he was. Robin just stood there, looking and watching the distressed teenager, before finally telling us to go home, and that he would handle this one on his own.
"Yes, how could bạn forget?" Robin sighed, running a hand through his hair. "You had to be drastically affected as well with your powers." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair again, a nervous habit he'd picked up recently, and looked back at the stars before continuing his tale.
"That 'criminal' was just a kid in bad circumstances," bạn say, watching the stars. "He was doing the only thing he thought he could do. He didn't want to hurt anyone; he just wanted to survive. He was all alone in the world."
"I know," I respond, watching the emotions flicker across your face as bạn become thêm and thêm involved in your story.
"What really killed me though, wasn't the fact that he had robbed a bank hoặc threatened to kill a toddler," bạn say, turning to look deep into my eyes from behind your mask. "It was the fact that he reminded me of me."
I can barely conceal my gasp of astonishment. "What do bạn mean?" I ask, shocked.
bạn sigh. It's a listless and restless sound of emotional torment, and it doesn't sound right coming from your lips. My emphatic abilities pick up waves of angst and internal conflict with the sigh, and I wish I could take away your pain.
"When I was a kid, my parents died in a freak circus accident in front of me," bạn say, looking out over the city, illuminated in the night. "For a time, I was that person, all alone in the world. I was the one struggling to survive, stealing and scraping to live another day, wishing that one ngày I wouldn't feel so alone."
bạn sigh deeply again before continuing. "Luckily, someone found me and took me in. They trained me and made me who I am today. It was just hard to see that kid and remember where I once was."
Silence descends after your pronouncement. I am rendered speechless. I had no idea about your past. Rather guiltily, I realize I never cared to find out before, either. I turn back to the night sky and regard it simply, my mind quiet and solemn.
"It never really goes away, does it?"
I turn to face bạn again, but bạn are looking at the stars as well. I ask you, "What doesn't?"
"Loneliness," bạn reply.
And with that one word, my world comes crashing down.
Realization slams into me. I am not as alone as I thought. You, too, felt alone in the world, and came to behold the universe, to banish the feeling. You, too, know how it is to feel a tremendous sense of belonging in the universe, as if it doesn't matter that bạn don't feel like part of this world. You, too, understand the feeling of isolation from the rest of civilization. And you, too, understand the stars, the planets, the wind, and the moon.
I had never thought that I would ever be anything but alone. Other people who understood loneliness always seemed eons and eons away. It never occurred to me that maybe, someone else who understood was right beside me all along.
I am still dumbfounded when bạn turn to look at me, and ask, "Do bạn feel alone, too? Is that why you're always coming up here at night?"
I nod silently.
We both turn back to look at the stars. As I slow my breathing, I am dimly aware of bạn doing the same thing. As I immerse myself in the feeling of universal belonging, I realize bạn are doing so as well.
Time passes. Maybe minutes, maybe hours; however long, I am not aware. Time has no meaning here.
However, all good things come to an end, and I gradually come to my senses, and my mind resumes its natural trail of thought. Beside me, bạn are shifting, and I know that you, too, have returned to the present. As I rise and stretch my limbs, bạn do the same beside me. I head to the doorway leading down into the tower, but bạn put your hand on my shoulder, causing me to turn. bạn look me in the eye intensely, trying to convey what bạn are feeling.
"I never knew that anyone else could feel – all this," bạn say, waving your arms carelessly toward the night sky. I understand - bạn are trying to indicate the feeling of belonging somewhere in the universe. I watch as bạn continue.
"It was different than anything I've ever felt," bạn tell me softly. "While I was out there, in space, I also sort of knew that I was here, and for once, I was not alone, because someone else understood too. I just wanted to thank bạn for that."
bạn swallow, before continuing once more.
"I also wanted to ask if bạn planned on coming up here tomorrow night as well."
bạn look at me defiantly, as if expecting me to reject your obvious proposal of us spending the night side bởi side again. bạn seem to be expecting the rejection of me saying no, banishing bạn into loneliness once again.
Silently I nod my head.
bạn smile at me softly at my response. bạn whisper, "I look phía trước, chuyển tiếp to it." With that, bạn walk into the tower.
I follow bạn silently down the stairs, trailing behind bạn noiselessly, as I reflect upon the night.
We separate at the end of the staircase, bạn turning left, I turning right. I enter my room, and lay down on my bed.
I never knew that I would find someone who was alone, too.
And I certainly never expected to banish that loneliness side bởi side with that person either.
Tomorrow night we will lay side bởi side again, as we lose ourselves in the vast blackness of space; together, alone.
As I doze off, one last thought drifts through my mind before I am immersed in my slumber.
Maybe bạn and I were meant to be alone – together.
