Family Guy Script
Episode: ###
Stewie Quagmire
Summary: When Stewie gets a cold, Lois is forced to take him to the doctor, where his birth certificate shows up, revealing that he’s Quagmire’s son.
Key: ( ) = location
{ } = info
[ ] = Action
/ \ = commercial break
(Griffin house)
(Living Room)
[Family sitting on đi văng watching TV]
Dianne Simpsons: In local news the, a cold academic has swept through Quahog.
Tom Tucker: Well, Dianne I’m not sure if it’s an academic. It’s just a cold.
Dianne: Do bạn really have to contradict everything I say?
Tom: I’m just saying, it happens once a year, it’s not exactly an academic.
[Dianne narrows eyes] Dianne: Now onto Ollie Williams, who’s on the front line to deliver the story.
Tom: What’s it like out there, Ollie?
[Dianne narrows eyes again]
[Cuts to middle of city. Shows Ollie in a gas protection suit.]
Ollie: People are sick!”
[Cuts back to news station. Joyce sits alone. Blood stains Tom’s chairs.]
Dianne: Thanks Ollie. Breaking news. Tom Tucker has just gone on a sudden vacation. Who knows if he’ll ever be back?
[Dianne jumps up on desk, takes off áo sơ mi and spins it around in the air.]
Dianne: I’m FREE! FREE!
Camera Guy: We’re still broadcasting.
[Dianne freezes.]
[View pulls out to Griffin family watching the news.]
[Lois clicks tongue]
Lois: Uh, how does someone afford to take a sudden vacation in times like this?
Peter: I don’t know, but I want his secret. I could use a vacation.
Brian: Peter, bạn just came back from vacation yesterday.
Peter: Yeah but come on, Brian, I’ve been sleeping ever since then. It wears bạn out.
[Cuts to theme song]
(Griffin family phòng bếp, nhà bếp in early morning)
[Stewie walks in, dragging Rupert with him. Stewie coughs loudly into his fist, and hops up into his high chair. He examines his bánh quế, bánh kem sữa waffle with disgust.
Stewie: What the hell is this? Who the hell eats bánh quế, bánh kem sữa waffle anymore, this is the 21st century for God’s sake.
Lois: Stewie, stop complaining and eat your breakfast
[Stewie sighs] Stewie: Uh, this is worse then the time I walked in on Meg talking to herself in the bathroom.
[Cuts to bathroom. Meg is standing at mirror. Stewie walks in]
Meg: So Sarah, thanks for inviting me to the party last Saturday. I had a great time.
[Meg turns around]
Meg with ‘cool’ accent: Well, bạn know, it was fine. I mean, I’m totally less được ưa chuộng than bạn in every way, and your so cool and attractive and stuff. xin chào bạn wanna be friends?
[Meg turns back around]
Meg: Yeah!
[Meg turns around]
Meg with ‘cool’ accent: bạn wanna make out?
[Meg turns around]
Meg: Yeah!
[Meg starts to make out with herself. Stewie, with wide eyes, slowly scoots out of bathroom. giây later, sound of Stewie puking fills the air.]
[Cuts back to the kitchen]
Brian: Really, it was worse than that?
Stewie: No, I just needed something to say.
Meg: xin chào dad, can I go to a party tomorrow?
[Peter is đọc newspaper]
Peter: Yeah, sure.
Meg: Really?!
Peter: Yeah
[Meg squeals happily and runs out of the room. Peter lowers newspaper. Peter turns to Lois.]
Peter: What the hell was she talking about?
Lois: Who?
[Stewie starts coughing loudly. Lois looks at Stewie with worried eyes.]
Lois: Stewie, are bạn okay?
Stewie: Of course I am you…[cough]…vile woman…[cough].
Lois: Are bạn sure?
Stewie: Of course…[cough]…I’m as healthy as a whore…[Stewie collapses off chair and hits floor]
Brian: I think bạn meant to say horse.
[Stewie lifts head] Stewie: No I meant what I said. [Head collapses again]
(Hospital room)
[Dr. Hartman walks in]
Dr. Hartman: Well, I can safely say, your son is cured of his cold, Mrs. Griffin.
Lois: Oh, thank God!
Dr. Hartman: Oh no! He has cancer!
Lois: WHAT!
Dr. Hartman: My son. He has cancer. Looks like I’ve got to find ANOTHER adoption agency.
[Lois breathes a sigh]
Dr. Hartman: Good God, is that a parasite?!
[Lois gasps]
Dr. Hartman: No, no, its just his…never mind.
[Herbert peaks his eyes through the window]
Herbert: MmmMmmmmm
[Lois sighs]
Dr. Hartman: Oh my God, his tim, trái tim has stopped!”
Lois: WHAT!!
[Dr. Hartman puts down hand held game device]
Dr. Hartman: Sorry, I was playing a video game where I have to keep this stupid guy alive. I…[laugh]…guess i…[laugh]…failed.
Lois: Is my son healthy hoặc not?!
Dr. Hartman: Yes ma’am. I can honestly say that Stewie Quagmire is 100% a okay.
Lois: Oh thank God…wait…who?
Dr. Hartman: Stewie Quagmire. Your son.
Lois: My son’s name is Stewie Griffin.
Dr. Hartman: Not according to this.
[Dr. Hartman pulls out Stewie’s birth certificate]
Dr. Hartman: It says right here that Stewie’s father is one Glenn Quagmire.
Lois: D***, how drunk was I?”
/Commercial break\
(Quagmire’s living room)
Peter: Lois, why are we here?
Lois: You’ll find out, Peter.
Peter: Ah, God, I’m thêm bored then when I watched those two đồng tính nữ having tea.
[Cuts to living room. Two women sit at a bàn drinking tea. Peter sits on the đi văng in only his underwear]
Woman 1: Oh I just looooove trà time with you.
Woman 2: I tình yêu it more!
Woman 1: No, I do!
Woman 2: No, I do.
Woman 1: No, I do!
[Both giggle]
Peter: bạn gonna make out hoặc what!
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s living room.]
[Quagmire walks in naked. Quagmire freezes.]
Quagmire: Heeeeeey. What are…uh….what are bạn guys doing here?
Lois: We were meeting bạn remember?
Quagmire: That…that was today?
Lois: Yes!
[Quagmire sucks in breath] Quagmire: Ooooooh. Ummmmm….well bạn see….I….uh…
Female voice echoing from other room: Quagmire, do bạn have the whip? [Female voice puts emphasis on H]
Stewie: Hang on a sec.
[Stewie walks into other room. Gun fires.]
Stewie: Nobody gets to do it but me, b****!
[Stewie walks back into room and climbs into Lois’ lap.]
Stewie: Okay we’re good.
[Minutes later, Quagmire is fully dressed and sitting across from Lois, Peter, and Stewie. Lois has just broken the news to him]
Quagmire: Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Lois: Quagmire, it’s gonna be okay. I’ll take care of Stewie.
Quagmire: bạn kidding me? I don’t care about that. I care that I was too drunk to remember doing it with you. Giggity.
Peter: Okay what I wanna know is where was I when bạn to were so wasted bạn had Stewie together!
Quagmire: Oh, bạn were betting away the lottery money bạn had just won. I remember the lottery numbers. 12, 1, 45, 67, 28.
[Quagmire beats his palm on his forehead]
Quagmire: Oh what the hell!
Stewie: Are bạn telling me that I’m the spawn of that pervert!
Brian: Looks like it.
[Stewie turns to Brian]
Stewie: When the hell did bạn get here?
Brian: I don’t know. It went with the scene. Blame the writer.
Stewie: Writer? What do bạn mean writer?
Brian: Well, bạn know the guy who writes what we’re supposed to say.
Stewie: Are bạn saying that everything I say, is previously chosen bởi some fat low life that probably dropped out of high school, and spends his nights in his underwear crying himself to sleep.
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Who the effing hell came up with that?
Brian: Seth Macfarlane.
Stewie: Who is that?
Brian: The creator of the show…you know what, just never mind. Just forget everything I just said, and go back to thinking bạn have control over your own fate.
[Brian walks out. Stewie turns back to Lois, Peter and Quagmire.]
Stewie: What’d I miss?
Lois: Okay, so Quagmire bạn can take him Monday through Sunday, and I won’t take him at all.
Stewie: What!
Quagmire: bạn got it! bởi the way, do bạn know if he’s ever Giggitied with a girl’s gasmooshifesh.
Lois: I…uh…don’t think so.
Quagmire: Got it. Know what to get him for his birthday now.
[Peter leans in and whispers in Lois’ ear]
Lois: Oh. Oh, God, no! No, no, NO!
Quagmire: Don’t worry it’ll be with his own age.
/Commercial break\
(Quagmire’s Kitchen. 10:00 A.M.)
{Stewie sits in his high chair waiting for Quagmire to come and make him breakfast}
Stewie: bạn know Rupert, I’m beginning to think the pervert’s dead.
Rupert: …
Stewie: I mean what kind of bastard sleeps till 10 when there’s a baby that needs feeding in the house.
Rupert: …
Stewie: bạn know it wouldn’t kill bạn to contribute to the conversation.
Rupert: …
Stewie: Screw you, Rupert.
Rupert: …
[Stewie knocks Rupert off the chair.]
Stewie: Oh God, I’m thêm hungry than Brian after he came back from being Mất tích in the dessert.
[Cuts to Griffin living room. Brian walks in door, matted and bruised. Meg walks in.]
Meg: Oh xin chào Brian. Its great to see… [Brian jumps on hàng đầu, đầu trang of meg and begins ripping apart her leg.]…Oh God. Ow. Ow. Oh God. Brian, stop. Dad, help.
Peter: Shut up Meg!
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s kitchen]
[Stewie grins] Stewie: Yeah. Yeah that was bloody.
[Quagmire walks in] Quagmire: xin chào Stewie, how’d bạn sleep?
Stewie: I didn’t. I couldn’t sleep through the fat hooker’s moans bạn perverted bastard.
Quagmire: Ahh, poor guy. bạn hungry?
Stewie: No, no, I’m not hungry. I’ve just been sitting here for 3 hours waiting for bạn to get your lazy a** up so I can get something to eat. So, no, Quagmire, I am not hungry.
Quagmire: Alright then sport, see bạn in 24 hours.
[Quagmire walks out]
Stewie: Wait no. I was only kidding you, bạn fool… [Stewie jumps out of his chair and lands face first on the floor.]…D*****!
[Cuts to Griffin family living room]
{Brian and Peter are watching TV when Lois walks in}
Lois: Peter, I’m going to the store to pick up some things for Quagmire and Stewie. I want bạn to go to Quagmire’s and check on Stewie. See how he’s doing.
Peter: Okay.
[Lois walks out of the room. Car revs outside and speeds off.]
Peter: What’d she say?
Brian: That bạn should go check on Stewie.
Peter: Great, bạn do it.
Brian: Okay.
[Cuts to Quagmire’s front door. Brian knocks on door]
Brian: What the hell? God, I’m thêm gullible than Ashton Kutcher.
[Cuts to hotel room]
Brian: xin chào bạn know the word gullible is on the roof.
Ashton: Really?
[He looks up]
Brian: Now its on the floor.
Ashton: Really?
[He looks down]
Brian: Now its on the left wall.
Ashton: Really?.
[He looks left]
Brian: Now its on the right wall.
Ashton: Really.
[He looks right]
Brian: Now its on the bullet in this pistol.
[Brian hands pistol to Ashton.]
Ashton: Really
Brian: Yeah point it at yourself and shoot it to see it.
[Gun fires]
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s door. Brian rings door bell]
Quagmire; voice echoes from inside house: Stewie get the door!
Stewie: Screw you, pervert!
Quagmire: Shut up and get the door!
Stewie: I said, screw you.
Quagmire: Get the door!
Stewie: Fine. bạn know what…you want me to get the door…fine!... [trigger clicks. Door explodes]…Happy!
Quagmire: Why is there a draft in here?
[Brian walks in.]
Brian: xin chào Stewie.
Stewie: Dog. Good. You’re here. I need your help.
Brian: Well, with what?
[Stewie pulls out a dress]
Stewie: I need bạn to wear this and seduce Quagmire into the room. I placed a bomb inside it. When he moves into to do it with you, I’ll detonate it.
Brian: But I’ll die!
Stewie: Meh, collateral damage.
Brian: No. No I’m not going to do it.
[Stewie drops to his knees]
Stewie: Please Brian, I need your help. I never thought I’d miss that vile woman, Lois, but I do. I need to get out of this house. Help me!
[Dr. Hartman walks in]
Dr. Hartman: There’s no need for that. I found out that the Stewie Quagmire is not this Stewie.
Stewie: Really?
Brian: Really?
[Quagmire pokes head into the room] Quagmire: Giggity
Dr. Hartman: Yes. bạn are a 100% Griffin.
[Dr. Hartman exits. Brian and Stewie look at each other.]
Stewie: Well this was kind of a sucky ending
Brian: Yeah I mean…
Stewie: Just really uncreative
Brian: Its like the guy just suddenly stopped caring.
Stewie: I know right.
Brian: I mean they need to hire a new writer.
Stewie: What do bạn mean writer?
Brian: Yeah I’m not going through this again.
Episode: ###
Stewie Quagmire
Summary: When Stewie gets a cold, Lois is forced to take him to the doctor, where his birth certificate shows up, revealing that he’s Quagmire’s son.
Key: ( ) = location
{ } = info
[ ] = Action
/ \ = commercial break
(Griffin house)
(Living Room)
[Family sitting on đi văng watching TV]
Dianne Simpsons: In local news the, a cold academic has swept through Quahog.
Tom Tucker: Well, Dianne I’m not sure if it’s an academic. It’s just a cold.
Dianne: Do bạn really have to contradict everything I say?
Tom: I’m just saying, it happens once a year, it’s not exactly an academic.
[Dianne narrows eyes] Dianne: Now onto Ollie Williams, who’s on the front line to deliver the story.
Tom: What’s it like out there, Ollie?
[Dianne narrows eyes again]
[Cuts to middle of city. Shows Ollie in a gas protection suit.]
Ollie: People are sick!”
[Cuts back to news station. Joyce sits alone. Blood stains Tom’s chairs.]
Dianne: Thanks Ollie. Breaking news. Tom Tucker has just gone on a sudden vacation. Who knows if he’ll ever be back?
[Dianne jumps up on desk, takes off áo sơ mi and spins it around in the air.]
Dianne: I’m FREE! FREE!
Camera Guy: We’re still broadcasting.
[Dianne freezes.]
[View pulls out to Griffin family watching the news.]
[Lois clicks tongue]
Lois: Uh, how does someone afford to take a sudden vacation in times like this?
Peter: I don’t know, but I want his secret. I could use a vacation.
Brian: Peter, bạn just came back from vacation yesterday.
Peter: Yeah but come on, Brian, I’ve been sleeping ever since then. It wears bạn out.
[Cuts to theme song]
(Griffin family phòng bếp, nhà bếp in early morning)
[Stewie walks in, dragging Rupert with him. Stewie coughs loudly into his fist, and hops up into his high chair. He examines his bánh quế, bánh kem sữa waffle with disgust.
Stewie: What the hell is this? Who the hell eats bánh quế, bánh kem sữa waffle anymore, this is the 21st century for God’s sake.
Lois: Stewie, stop complaining and eat your breakfast
[Stewie sighs] Stewie: Uh, this is worse then the time I walked in on Meg talking to herself in the bathroom.
[Cuts to bathroom. Meg is standing at mirror. Stewie walks in]
Meg: So Sarah, thanks for inviting me to the party last Saturday. I had a great time.
[Meg turns around]
Meg with ‘cool’ accent: Well, bạn know, it was fine. I mean, I’m totally less được ưa chuộng than bạn in every way, and your so cool and attractive and stuff. xin chào bạn wanna be friends?
[Meg turns back around]
Meg: Yeah!
[Meg turns around]
Meg with ‘cool’ accent: bạn wanna make out?
[Meg turns around]
Meg: Yeah!
[Meg starts to make out with herself. Stewie, with wide eyes, slowly scoots out of bathroom. giây later, sound of Stewie puking fills the air.]
[Cuts back to the kitchen]
Brian: Really, it was worse than that?
Stewie: No, I just needed something to say.
Meg: xin chào dad, can I go to a party tomorrow?
[Peter is đọc newspaper]
Peter: Yeah, sure.
Meg: Really?!
Peter: Yeah
[Meg squeals happily and runs out of the room. Peter lowers newspaper. Peter turns to Lois.]
Peter: What the hell was she talking about?
Lois: Who?
[Stewie starts coughing loudly. Lois looks at Stewie with worried eyes.]
Lois: Stewie, are bạn okay?
Stewie: Of course I am you…[cough]…vile woman…[cough].
Lois: Are bạn sure?
Stewie: Of course…[cough]…I’m as healthy as a whore…[Stewie collapses off chair and hits floor]
Brian: I think bạn meant to say horse.
[Stewie lifts head] Stewie: No I meant what I said. [Head collapses again]
(Hospital room)
[Dr. Hartman walks in]
Dr. Hartman: Well, I can safely say, your son is cured of his cold, Mrs. Griffin.
Lois: Oh, thank God!
Dr. Hartman: Oh no! He has cancer!
Lois: WHAT!
Dr. Hartman: My son. He has cancer. Looks like I’ve got to find ANOTHER adoption agency.
[Lois breathes a sigh]
Dr. Hartman: Good God, is that a parasite?!
[Lois gasps]
Dr. Hartman: No, no, its just his…never mind.
[Herbert peaks his eyes through the window]
Herbert: MmmMmmmmm
[Lois sighs]
Dr. Hartman: Oh my God, his tim, trái tim has stopped!”
Lois: WHAT!!
[Dr. Hartman puts down hand held game device]
Dr. Hartman: Sorry, I was playing a video game where I have to keep this stupid guy alive. I…[laugh]…guess i…[laugh]…failed.
Lois: Is my son healthy hoặc not?!
Dr. Hartman: Yes ma’am. I can honestly say that Stewie Quagmire is 100% a okay.
Lois: Oh thank God…wait…who?
Dr. Hartman: Stewie Quagmire. Your son.
Lois: My son’s name is Stewie Griffin.
Dr. Hartman: Not according to this.
[Dr. Hartman pulls out Stewie’s birth certificate]
Dr. Hartman: It says right here that Stewie’s father is one Glenn Quagmire.
Lois: D***, how drunk was I?”
/Commercial break\
(Quagmire’s living room)
Peter: Lois, why are we here?
Lois: You’ll find out, Peter.
Peter: Ah, God, I’m thêm bored then when I watched those two đồng tính nữ having tea.
[Cuts to living room. Two women sit at a bàn drinking tea. Peter sits on the đi văng in only his underwear]
Woman 1: Oh I just looooove trà time with you.
Woman 2: I tình yêu it more!
Woman 1: No, I do!
Woman 2: No, I do.
Woman 1: No, I do!
[Both giggle]
Peter: bạn gonna make out hoặc what!
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s living room.]
[Quagmire walks in naked. Quagmire freezes.]
Quagmire: Heeeeeey. What are…uh….what are bạn guys doing here?
Lois: We were meeting bạn remember?
Quagmire: That…that was today?
Lois: Yes!
[Quagmire sucks in breath] Quagmire: Ooooooh. Ummmmm….well bạn see….I….uh…
Female voice echoing from other room: Quagmire, do bạn have the whip? [Female voice puts emphasis on H]
Stewie: Hang on a sec.
[Stewie walks into other room. Gun fires.]
Stewie: Nobody gets to do it but me, b****!
[Stewie walks back into room and climbs into Lois’ lap.]
Stewie: Okay we’re good.
[Minutes later, Quagmire is fully dressed and sitting across from Lois, Peter, and Stewie. Lois has just broken the news to him]
Quagmire: Oh God, oh God, oh God!
Lois: Quagmire, it’s gonna be okay. I’ll take care of Stewie.
Quagmire: bạn kidding me? I don’t care about that. I care that I was too drunk to remember doing it with you. Giggity.
Peter: Okay what I wanna know is where was I when bạn to were so wasted bạn had Stewie together!
Quagmire: Oh, bạn were betting away the lottery money bạn had just won. I remember the lottery numbers. 12, 1, 45, 67, 28.
[Quagmire beats his palm on his forehead]
Quagmire: Oh what the hell!
Stewie: Are bạn telling me that I’m the spawn of that pervert!
Brian: Looks like it.
[Stewie turns to Brian]
Stewie: When the hell did bạn get here?
Brian: I don’t know. It went with the scene. Blame the writer.
Stewie: Writer? What do bạn mean writer?
Brian: Well, bạn know the guy who writes what we’re supposed to say.
Stewie: Are bạn saying that everything I say, is previously chosen bởi some fat low life that probably dropped out of high school, and spends his nights in his underwear crying himself to sleep.
Brian: Yeah.
Stewie: Who the effing hell came up with that?
Brian: Seth Macfarlane.
Stewie: Who is that?
Brian: The creator of the show…you know what, just never mind. Just forget everything I just said, and go back to thinking bạn have control over your own fate.
[Brian walks out. Stewie turns back to Lois, Peter and Quagmire.]
Stewie: What’d I miss?
Lois: Okay, so Quagmire bạn can take him Monday through Sunday, and I won’t take him at all.
Stewie: What!
Quagmire: bạn got it! bởi the way, do bạn know if he’s ever Giggitied with a girl’s gasmooshifesh.
Lois: I…uh…don’t think so.
Quagmire: Got it. Know what to get him for his birthday now.
[Peter leans in and whispers in Lois’ ear]
Lois: Oh. Oh, God, no! No, no, NO!
Quagmire: Don’t worry it’ll be with his own age.
/Commercial break\
(Quagmire’s Kitchen. 10:00 A.M.)
{Stewie sits in his high chair waiting for Quagmire to come and make him breakfast}
Stewie: bạn know Rupert, I’m beginning to think the pervert’s dead.
Rupert: …
Stewie: I mean what kind of bastard sleeps till 10 when there’s a baby that needs feeding in the house.
Rupert: …
Stewie: bạn know it wouldn’t kill bạn to contribute to the conversation.
Rupert: …
Stewie: Screw you, Rupert.
Rupert: …
[Stewie knocks Rupert off the chair.]
Stewie: Oh God, I’m thêm hungry than Brian after he came back from being Mất tích in the dessert.
[Cuts to Griffin living room. Brian walks in door, matted and bruised. Meg walks in.]
Meg: Oh xin chào Brian. Its great to see… [Brian jumps on hàng đầu, đầu trang of meg and begins ripping apart her leg.]…Oh God. Ow. Ow. Oh God. Brian, stop. Dad, help.
Peter: Shut up Meg!
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s kitchen]
[Stewie grins] Stewie: Yeah. Yeah that was bloody.
[Quagmire walks in] Quagmire: xin chào Stewie, how’d bạn sleep?
Stewie: I didn’t. I couldn’t sleep through the fat hooker’s moans bạn perverted bastard.
Quagmire: Ahh, poor guy. bạn hungry?
Stewie: No, no, I’m not hungry. I’ve just been sitting here for 3 hours waiting for bạn to get your lazy a** up so I can get something to eat. So, no, Quagmire, I am not hungry.
Quagmire: Alright then sport, see bạn in 24 hours.
[Quagmire walks out]
Stewie: Wait no. I was only kidding you, bạn fool… [Stewie jumps out of his chair and lands face first on the floor.]…D*****!
[Cuts to Griffin family living room]
{Brian and Peter are watching TV when Lois walks in}
Lois: Peter, I’m going to the store to pick up some things for Quagmire and Stewie. I want bạn to go to Quagmire’s and check on Stewie. See how he’s doing.
Peter: Okay.
[Lois walks out of the room. Car revs outside and speeds off.]
Peter: What’d she say?
Brian: That bạn should go check on Stewie.
Peter: Great, bạn do it.
Brian: Okay.
[Cuts to Quagmire’s front door. Brian knocks on door]
Brian: What the hell? God, I’m thêm gullible than Ashton Kutcher.
[Cuts to hotel room]
Brian: xin chào bạn know the word gullible is on the roof.
Ashton: Really?
[He looks up]
Brian: Now its on the floor.
Ashton: Really?
[He looks down]
Brian: Now its on the left wall.
Ashton: Really?.
[He looks left]
Brian: Now its on the right wall.
Ashton: Really.
[He looks right]
Brian: Now its on the bullet in this pistol.
[Brian hands pistol to Ashton.]
Ashton: Really
Brian: Yeah point it at yourself and shoot it to see it.
[Gun fires]
[Cuts back to Quagmire’s door. Brian rings door bell]
Quagmire; voice echoes from inside house: Stewie get the door!
Stewie: Screw you, pervert!
Quagmire: Shut up and get the door!
Stewie: I said, screw you.
Quagmire: Get the door!
Stewie: Fine. bạn know what…you want me to get the door…fine!... [trigger clicks. Door explodes]…Happy!
Quagmire: Why is there a draft in here?
[Brian walks in.]
Brian: xin chào Stewie.
Stewie: Dog. Good. You’re here. I need your help.
Brian: Well, with what?
[Stewie pulls out a dress]
Stewie: I need bạn to wear this and seduce Quagmire into the room. I placed a bomb inside it. When he moves into to do it with you, I’ll detonate it.
Brian: But I’ll die!
Stewie: Meh, collateral damage.
Brian: No. No I’m not going to do it.
[Stewie drops to his knees]
Stewie: Please Brian, I need your help. I never thought I’d miss that vile woman, Lois, but I do. I need to get out of this house. Help me!
[Dr. Hartman walks in]
Dr. Hartman: There’s no need for that. I found out that the Stewie Quagmire is not this Stewie.
Stewie: Really?
Brian: Really?
[Quagmire pokes head into the room] Quagmire: Giggity
Dr. Hartman: Yes. bạn are a 100% Griffin.
[Dr. Hartman exits. Brian and Stewie look at each other.]
Stewie: Well this was kind of a sucky ending
Brian: Yeah I mean…
Stewie: Just really uncreative
Brian: Its like the guy just suddenly stopped caring.
Stewie: I know right.
Brian: I mean they need to hire a new writer.
Stewie: What do bạn mean writer?
Brian: Yeah I’m not going through this again.
