posted by Shelly_McShelly
Researchers in the UK examined thêm than 1000 jokes and placed them before 36,000 voters to determine the "official" 50 funniest jokes of all time.
And here they are:
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
49. A niêm phong, con dấu walks into a club...
48. Went to the corner cửa hàng - bought 4 corners.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
46. I'll tell bạn what I tình yêu doing thêm than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
43. bạn see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in tình yêu with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a chèo xuồng, thuyền kayak were chilly. But when they lit a ngọn lửa, chữa cháy in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that bạn can't have your chèo xuồng, thuyền kayak and heat it.
40. 'I đã đưa ý kiến to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He đã đưa ý kiến "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '
39. 'My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!" '
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a rùa, con rùa disaster
37.' I swear, the other ngày I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it đã đưa ý kiến "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if bạn opened it and a socket set fell out!"'
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
35. 'I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions". '
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. I was having bữa tối, bữa ăn tối with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
32. 'Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here" '
31. 'So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this con vịt, vịt came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". '
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other ngày I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
29. 'I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are bạn two an item?" '
28. 'A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their gần đây tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he đã đưa ý kiến "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." '
27. Went to the paper cửa hàng - it had blown away.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
25. 'The other ngày I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I đã đưa ý kiến "Did bạn get my drift?".'
24. 'A sandwich, bánh sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve thực phẩm in here" '
23. 'A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?" '
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
21. 'A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything" '
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a ngày but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
19. 'I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to báo cáo a nuisance caller", he đã đưa ý kiến "Not bạn again".'
18. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
17. 'When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I tình yêu the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband". '
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other ngày but I couldn't find any.
15. 'There's two cá in a tank, and one says to the other "How do bạn drive this thing?" '
14. 'A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '
13. 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one". '
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
11. 'I went to the doctors the other ngày and I said, 'Have bạn got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite. '
10. 'A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road." '
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've Mất tích three days already.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop hát the 'Green Green cỏ of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in tình yêu - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
5. 'I đã đưa ý kiến to the Gym instructor "Can bạn teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
4. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun cửa hàng and buys a handgun. The tiếp theo ngày she comes trang chủ to find her husband in giường with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.
3. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...'
2. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man tiếp theo to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'
SO ,what do bạn think?