This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her cái ví, ví tiền and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do bạn have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known bạn were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office. She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with "What makes a natural born citizen thêm qualified to be President than one born bởi C-Section?"
Thanksgiving Practical Joke
Last Thanksgiving, my mom decided to play a trick on my sister (who's blonde). To get her out of the house, she convinced her that we needed thêm half and half for the coffee.
While my sister was out, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, then put it inside the turkey, packing stuffing all around it. She then put the turkey back in the oven.
When everything was ready, my sister took the turkey out of the lò nướng and began to remove the stuffing. When she felt something, she reached in and pulled out the Cornish hen.
Pretending to be shocked, bởi mother exclaimed, "Patti, you've cooked a pregnant turkey!"
My sister began to cry and was inconsolable. It took us half an giờ to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
The Perfect giáng sinh Tree
Two blondes decided that this giáng sinh they wanted to cut down their own giáng sinh tree. So they drove two hours into the country and walked deep into the woods to find the perfect giáng sinh tree. They had planned the trip well, especially considering that they were blond. They were dressed warmly with boots, warm coats and hats. They had a chain saw, hatchet, a bag to protect the cây and rope to drag it back to their car. Every detail was covered.
They searched and searched. They had gone to all this trouble, nothing but the prefect cây would do. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated hoặc not!"
Corporate Gift, Birthday Gift
Fundraiser, Just for Fun
From the 1950s, 60s, 70s hoặc 80s.
Root bia Barrels
Atomic ngọn lửa, chữa cháy Balls
Satellite Wafers Wax Lips
Black Jack Gum
màu tím Gum
Meeting St. Peter
Three blonde Những người bạn died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey."
"Nooooo," đã đưa ý kiến St. Peter. "You don't get in."
The một giây blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other."
"Nooooo," đã đưa ý kiến St. Peter. "You don't get in, either."
The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed bởi Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it."
"Very good!" đã đưa ý kiến St. Peter.
The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 thêm weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted!
On the first ngày of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When bạn get to 300 feet, bạn can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
A blonde and a redhead met for bữa tối, bữa ăn tối after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Two blondes went to the pound where each adopted a puppy. The joy of their new best friend was quickly overshadowed when they got trang chủ and the first blonde said, "I think we're in trouble, how are we going to tell them apart?"
This lead to several hours of concentration until finally, the một giây blonde said, "I've got an idea. We'll tie a red bow around my cún yêu, con chó con and a blue bow around yours."
The tiếp theo ngày the first blonde comes running up to the một giây when she got home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose cún yêu, con chó con is whose. They've pulled the ribbons off while they were playing."
"OK, we need to find a better way to tell them apart," says the một giây blonde. After several thêm hours of concentration, they came up with the bright idea of getting different colored collars.
Again, the tiếp theo day, the first blonde comes running up to the một giây as soon as she gets home, "Oh no, I can't tell whose cún yêu, con chó con is whose. They've pulled their collars off while they were playing."
"There's got to be some way to tell them apart," says the một giây blonde.
After several thêm hours of concentration, the first blonde finally comes up with another idea, "I know! Why don't bạn take the black one and I'll take the white one!"
What Kind of Tracks Are They?
Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The một giây blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish bạn guys would get your act together. Just yesterday bạn took away my license. Now today bạn want me to hiển thị it to you!”
Proof That Blondes Are Not Really Dumb
This blonde decides one ngày that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to hiển thị her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The tiếp theo day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives trang chủ at 5:30 and detects the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski áo khoác and a lông, lông thú áo, áo khoác at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies, "Yes."
He asks what she is doing.
She các câu trả lời that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it bởi painting the house.
He then asks her why she has on a ski áo khoác and a lông, lông thú coat.
She các câu trả lời that she was đọc the directions on the paint can and they said, "For best results, put on two coats."
To Be Fair, Blondes Are Not the Only Ones To Lock Their Keys In the Car
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a áo, áo khoác hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The blond with the áo, áo khoác hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend đã đưa ý kiến anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the hàng đầu, đầu trang is down."
How do bạn keep a blonde busy for hours?
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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Painting the Porch
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, bạn can paint my porch. How much will bạn charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and đã đưa ý kiến to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And bởi the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, bạn can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
I'm not offended bởi all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
Three Blondes Fishing
Three blondes are sitting bởi the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any," replied the first blonde.
"Well, if you're going to fish, bạn need fishing licenses," đã đưa ý kiến the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the một giây blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," đã đưa ý kiến the Game Warden. "Take all the debris bạn want." And with that, he left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb cá Cop," the một giây blonde đã đưa ý kiến to the other two. "Doesn't he know that there are steelhead cá hồi in this river?"
The Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want bạn to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.
For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.
When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded ghế đẩu, phân and carefully laid out her tools.
Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no cá under the ice!!"
Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot Sô cô la from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.
Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no cá under the ice!!"
Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.
"There are no cá under the ice!!"
Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"
The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
Hilarious Blonde Joke
A blonde was driving trang chủ after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the tiếp theo ngày she took it to the repair shop. The cửa hàng owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go trang chủ and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came trang chủ and said, "What are bạn doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!
A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.
On the ngày of the judging the people started off bởi asking, "What is 59 + 2?"
The first blonde contestant responded bởi saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15 - 5?"
The blonde responded, "20, right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1 + 2?"
"3?" đã đưa ý kiến the blonde.
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
Hiding From the Cops
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are running from the cops. They hide on a potato farm. They crawl into some potato bags. The first cop pokes the bag with the brunette in it. She says, "Meow." The cop confirms that it is just a cat. The một giây cop pokes the bag with the redhead in it. She says, "Woof." The cop says that it is just a dog. The third cop pokes the bag with the blonde in it. She say in her sweetest voice, "Potato."
The Ultimate Sacrifice
There is a brunette and a blonde hanging over the edge of a cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope will break if one of them doesn't let go and they will both fall to their deaths. The brunette starts this big heartwarming speech about how she is going to sacrifice herself. At the end of the speech the blonde starts clapping.
This Proves Blondes Really Are Smart
A blonde and a lawyer are seated tiếp theo to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask bạn a question, and if bạn don't know the answer, bạn pay me $5.00, and vise versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if bạn don't know the answer bạn pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay bạn $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a đồi núi, hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the thư viện of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his Những người bạn and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the cái gối, gối and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is thêm than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep