Well.. Shit.. This is what my life has come to.
Reviewing one of the most, sadistic, mean spirited, shit your pants, scary, films ever made..
This film has NO limits.. They legit murdered real animals, cause the diractor is a sadist.. So much so, that he, no joke, was actually arrested and had to prove to a court room that it's only a movie, and that his actors are all fine.
So yeah.. bạn can all keep watching your Blair Witch Project.. bạn can keep believing that to be real.. But least nobody got arrested for that one.
tiếp theo time someone says "found footage was NEVER scary", maybe so them this one.. THAN see what they say.
Now,for my sarcastic plot summary, that I'm know for.. This one is gonna be rough..
------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1979, an American film crew disappears in the đàn bà gan dạ, amazon rainforest while filming a documentary about indigenous cannibal tribes.
ME: how typical.
The team consists of Alan Yates, the director; Faye Daniels, his girlfriend and script girl; and two cameramen, Jack Anders and Mark Tomaso. Harold Monroe, an anthropologist at New York University, agrees to lead a rescue team in hopes of finding the missing filmmakers. In anticipation of his arrival, the military conducts a raid on the local Yacumo tribe and takes a young male hostage in order to help negotiate with the natives
ME: Like the "heroes" America truly is.
Monroe flies in via floatplane and is introduced to his guides, Chaco and his assistant, Miguel.
After several days of trekking through the jungle, the group encounters the Yacumo tribe. They arrange the release of their hostage in exchange for being taken to the Yacumo village. Once there, the group initially meets hostility and learns that the filmmakers caused great unrest among the people. Monroe and his guides head deeper into the rainforest to locate two warring cannibal tribes, the Ya̧nomamö and the Shamatari. They encounter a group of Shamatari warriors and follow them to a riverbank where they save a smaller group of Ya̧nomamö from death.
ME: ... I have nothing.
The Ya̧nomamö invite Monroe and his team back to their village, yet they treat the outsiders with suspicion. To gain their trust, Monroe bathes naked in a river.
ME: Da fuck!?
A group of Ya̧nomamö women emerge to tham gia him and playfully bathe with him.
ME: WHAT!?
Afterwards, they take him to a shrine where he discovers the rotting remains of the filmmakers.
ME: (speechless)
Upset and angered, Monroe decides it is of utmost importance to recover the films. He confronts the Ya̧nomamö, and plays a tape recorder of tribal âm nhạc for them. The intrigued natives agree to trade it for the filmmakers's surviving reels of film during a cannibalistic ceremony, in which Monroe must take part.
ME: (louder) WHAT!?
Back in New York, executives of the Pan American Broadcasting System invite Monroe to host a broadcast of the documentary to be made from the recovered film. Monroe insists on viewing the raw footage first.
ME: Ohh, how boring, yet exciting.
The executives introduce him to Alan's work bởi hiển thị an excerpt from his trước đó documentary, The Last Road to Hell.
ME: Sounds like a good film.. Seriously.
One of the executives tells Monroe that Alan staged scenes to get thêm exciting footage. Monroe các lượt xem the recovered footage, which first follows the group's trek through the jungle. After walking for days, their guide, Felipe, is bitten bởi a venomous snake.
ME: Dumb ass
The group amputates Felipe's leg with a machete to save his life, but he quickly dies and is left behind.
ME: ...... Shit.. I can't even joke about that.. That sucks.
The remaining four locate the Yacumo; Jack shoots one in the leg so they can easily follow him to the village.
ME: What a fucking asshole!
Once they arrive, the crew forces the tribe into a hut and burn it down in order to stage a massacre for their film.
ME: What dicks!
Monroe criticizes the staged scenes and poor treatment of the natives, but his concerns are ignored.
ME: ... Wow.
Monroe finishes viewing the footage, and expresses his disgust to station executives about their decision to air the documentary. To convince them otherwise, he shows the remaining, unedited footage, which only he has seen. The final two reels begin with the team locating a Ya̧nomamö girl, whom the men film and gang-rape as Faye tries to intervene.
ME: ... What?
Afterwards, they encounter the same girl impaled on a wooden pole bởi a riverbank, where they claim the natives killed her. They are attacked bởi the Ya̧nomamö in revenge for the girl's rape and death. Jack is hit bởi a spear, and Alan shoots him so the team can film how the natives mutilate his corpse.
ME: Yeah, clearly these are TRUE best Những người bạn forever.. I mean, what the fuck!?
As the three surviving team members try to escape, Faye is captured. Alan insists that they try to rescue her. Mark continues to film as she is raped, beaten to death, and beheaded.
ME: ................. Jesus.
The Ya̧nomamö locate the last two team members as the footage ends with Alan's bloody face.
ME: ...........................................
Disturbed bởi what they have seen, the executives order the footage to be destroyed. Saying to himself
"I wonder who the REAL cannibals are"
------------------------------------------------------------------
There.. That's the film..
But I must of left out all the live animal cruelty, the ritual rape death, the part where Alan burns down their village, hoặc even the removed piranha death scene.
People were horrified.. And it holds out very well.
I wouldn't personally recommend this.
But if it's not banned in your country. And if your INTO stories, about horrible people doing horrible things, only to be punished WAY thêm than they actually deserved.. Than I GUESS I would recommend it.
It's the 80's.. Different time.
Reviewing one of the most, sadistic, mean spirited, shit your pants, scary, films ever made..
This film has NO limits.. They legit murdered real animals, cause the diractor is a sadist.. So much so, that he, no joke, was actually arrested and had to prove to a court room that it's only a movie, and that his actors are all fine.
So yeah.. bạn can all keep watching your Blair Witch Project.. bạn can keep believing that to be real.. But least nobody got arrested for that one.
tiếp theo time someone says "found footage was NEVER scary", maybe so them this one.. THAN see what they say.
Now,for my sarcastic plot summary, that I'm know for.. This one is gonna be rough..
------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1979, an American film crew disappears in the đàn bà gan dạ, amazon rainforest while filming a documentary about indigenous cannibal tribes.
ME: how typical.
The team consists of Alan Yates, the director; Faye Daniels, his girlfriend and script girl; and two cameramen, Jack Anders and Mark Tomaso. Harold Monroe, an anthropologist at New York University, agrees to lead a rescue team in hopes of finding the missing filmmakers. In anticipation of his arrival, the military conducts a raid on the local Yacumo tribe and takes a young male hostage in order to help negotiate with the natives
ME: Like the "heroes" America truly is.
Monroe flies in via floatplane and is introduced to his guides, Chaco and his assistant, Miguel.
After several days of trekking through the jungle, the group encounters the Yacumo tribe. They arrange the release of their hostage in exchange for being taken to the Yacumo village. Once there, the group initially meets hostility and learns that the filmmakers caused great unrest among the people. Monroe and his guides head deeper into the rainforest to locate two warring cannibal tribes, the Ya̧nomamö and the Shamatari. They encounter a group of Shamatari warriors and follow them to a riverbank where they save a smaller group of Ya̧nomamö from death.
ME: ... I have nothing.
The Ya̧nomamö invite Monroe and his team back to their village, yet they treat the outsiders with suspicion. To gain their trust, Monroe bathes naked in a river.
ME: Da fuck!?
A group of Ya̧nomamö women emerge to tham gia him and playfully bathe with him.
ME: WHAT!?
Afterwards, they take him to a shrine where he discovers the rotting remains of the filmmakers.
ME: (speechless)
Upset and angered, Monroe decides it is of utmost importance to recover the films. He confronts the Ya̧nomamö, and plays a tape recorder of tribal âm nhạc for them. The intrigued natives agree to trade it for the filmmakers's surviving reels of film during a cannibalistic ceremony, in which Monroe must take part.
ME: (louder) WHAT!?
Back in New York, executives of the Pan American Broadcasting System invite Monroe to host a broadcast of the documentary to be made from the recovered film. Monroe insists on viewing the raw footage first.
ME: Ohh, how boring, yet exciting.
The executives introduce him to Alan's work bởi hiển thị an excerpt from his trước đó documentary, The Last Road to Hell.
ME: Sounds like a good film.. Seriously.
One of the executives tells Monroe that Alan staged scenes to get thêm exciting footage. Monroe các lượt xem the recovered footage, which first follows the group's trek through the jungle. After walking for days, their guide, Felipe, is bitten bởi a venomous snake.
ME: Dumb ass
The group amputates Felipe's leg with a machete to save his life, but he quickly dies and is left behind.
ME: ...... Shit.. I can't even joke about that.. That sucks.
The remaining four locate the Yacumo; Jack shoots one in the leg so they can easily follow him to the village.
ME: What a fucking asshole!
Once they arrive, the crew forces the tribe into a hut and burn it down in order to stage a massacre for their film.
ME: What dicks!
Monroe criticizes the staged scenes and poor treatment of the natives, but his concerns are ignored.
ME: ... Wow.
Monroe finishes viewing the footage, and expresses his disgust to station executives about their decision to air the documentary. To convince them otherwise, he shows the remaining, unedited footage, which only he has seen. The final two reels begin with the team locating a Ya̧nomamö girl, whom the men film and gang-rape as Faye tries to intervene.
ME: ... What?
Afterwards, they encounter the same girl impaled on a wooden pole bởi a riverbank, where they claim the natives killed her. They are attacked bởi the Ya̧nomamö in revenge for the girl's rape and death. Jack is hit bởi a spear, and Alan shoots him so the team can film how the natives mutilate his corpse.
ME: Yeah, clearly these are TRUE best Những người bạn forever.. I mean, what the fuck!?
As the three surviving team members try to escape, Faye is captured. Alan insists that they try to rescue her. Mark continues to film as she is raped, beaten to death, and beheaded.
ME: ................. Jesus.
The Ya̧nomamö locate the last two team members as the footage ends with Alan's bloody face.
ME: ...........................................
Disturbed bởi what they have seen, the executives order the footage to be destroyed. Saying to himself
"I wonder who the REAL cannibals are"
------------------------------------------------------------------
There.. That's the film..
But I must of left out all the live animal cruelty, the ritual rape death, the part where Alan burns down their village, hoặc even the removed piranha death scene.
People were horrified.. And it holds out very well.
I wouldn't personally recommend this.
But if it's not banned in your country. And if your INTO stories, about horrible people doing horrible things, only to be punished WAY thêm than they actually deserved.. Than I GUESS I would recommend it.
It's the 80's.. Different time.
#1:
Tell him ALL blonde girls are idiots..
#2:
Tell him a girl is "out of his league"..
#3:
Put on Country Music..
#4:
Put on ANY teen sitcom other than Sweet life of Zack and Cody, hoặc vịt đực, drake and Josh. Heck. Even iCarly isn't too bad..
#5:
Convince him into giving a fuck about politics..
#6:
Steal his X-Box..
#7:
Make him watch PowerPuff Girls..
#8:
Remind him that he has no life outside of Fanpop..
#9:
Remind him that GTA 5 STILL doesn't friggin work, and I'm stuck with the 4 games..
#10:
Talk shit about his video (just kidding)..
Tell him ALL blonde girls are idiots..
#2:
Tell him a girl is "out of his league"..
#3:
Put on Country Music..
#4:
Put on ANY teen sitcom other than Sweet life of Zack and Cody, hoặc vịt đực, drake and Josh. Heck. Even iCarly isn't too bad..
#5:
Convince him into giving a fuck about politics..
#6:
Steal his X-Box..
#7:
Make him watch PowerPuff Girls..
#8:
Remind him that he has no life outside of Fanpop..
#9:
Remind him that GTA 5 STILL doesn't friggin work, and I'm stuck with the 4 games..
#10:
Talk shit about his video (just kidding)..
#1: REMAIN CALM AND NO SUDDEN MOVEMENTS:
The cá mập may not be planning to attack you.. So don't give the animal any reason to feel threatened. Don't try to out swim away either, unless you're already very close to shore. Sharks can swim 5 times faster than the average human, and this is the most được ưa chuộng mistake that people make. di chuyển slowly toward the bờ biển hoặc a boat; choose whichever is closest. Don't thrash your arms hoặc kick hoặc splash while bạn swim..
#2: KEEP YOUR EYE ON IT:
And never block the shark's path. If you're standing between the cá mập and the open ocean, di chuyển away, hoặc else the cá mập will feel threatened..
#3: AIM FOR THE EYES:
If the cá mập DOSE attack, bạn still need to stay calm. I know this is easier đã đưa ý kiến than done. But. bạn need to remember one thing.. The eyes and gills are sensitive to shark, attacking these spots will harm the Shark, and it will back off..
The cá mập may not be planning to attack you.. So don't give the animal any reason to feel threatened. Don't try to out swim away either, unless you're already very close to shore. Sharks can swim 5 times faster than the average human, and this is the most được ưa chuộng mistake that people make. di chuyển slowly toward the bờ biển hoặc a boat; choose whichever is closest. Don't thrash your arms hoặc kick hoặc splash while bạn swim..
#2: KEEP YOUR EYE ON IT:
And never block the shark's path. If you're standing between the cá mập and the open ocean, di chuyển away, hoặc else the cá mập will feel threatened..
#3: AIM FOR THE EYES:
If the cá mập DOSE attack, bạn still need to stay calm. I know this is easier đã đưa ý kiến than done. But. bạn need to remember one thing.. The eyes and gills are sensitive to shark, attacking these spots will harm the Shark, and it will back off..