Chapter 16,
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my giường with Carter in his cũi, giường cũi on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and đã đưa ý kiến as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; bạn need to get up." I put a cái gối, gối over my head and rolled over. He đã đưa ý kiến "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every giờ and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He đã đưa ý kiến "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told bạn that if bạn wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 giờ work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I tình yêu my giường and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and đã đưa ý kiến with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "yeah well; that's tough for bạn because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and bởi the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my ngày short so I should be trang chủ at about 4 o'clock and I will bring trang chủ something to eat." I đã đưa ý kiến "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I đã đưa ý kiến sarcastically "I don't know; maybe bạn could stay home!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. bạn make it seem like it's going to be too much for bạn to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like bạn have to entertain them. As for Blanket, bạn can set him up with TV shows!" I đã đưa ý kiến "fine, but only because bạn have no other choice!" He hugged me and đã đưa ý kiến "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and đã đưa ý kiến "make sure bạn measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and đã đưa ý kiến "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I đã đưa ý kiến "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down tiếp theo to me. He đã đưa ý kiến "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "I know dad!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I đã đưa ý kiến "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because bạn won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust bạn but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for bạn trust me?" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing bạn tell me is a lie and bạn walk around here like bạn don't care about what I have to say!" I đã đưa ý kiến "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way bạn know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few phút later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my giường and đã đưa ý kiến "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! bạn still have a lot to learn!” I đã đưa ý kiến "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from bạn right now!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I tình yêu bạn AJ!" I whispered "I tình yêu bạn too" and he đã đưa ý kiến "I tình yêu bạn more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days cách đây and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the phòng bếp, nhà bếp and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm not looking phía trước, chuyển tiếp to this! Let's get this over with!" I đã đưa ý kiến "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He đã đưa ý kiến "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris đã đưa ý kiến "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace đã đưa ý kiến "neither of bạn can go because bạn are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace đã đưa ý kiến "good luck bạn guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when bạn get back." Dad đã đưa ý kiến "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad đã đưa ý kiến "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He đã đưa ý kiến as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking bạn out on the road until bạn know what you're doing! I'm taking bạn to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad đã đưa ý kiến “wait, let me hiển thị bạn what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that bạn don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he đã đưa ý kiến "are bạn listening to me? This is important! bạn need to understand this hoặc else I'm not going to let bạn drive! Now hiển thị me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally đã đưa ý kiến "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all ngày with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I đã đưa ý kiến under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad đã đưa ý kiến "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are bạn so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He đã đưa ý kiến "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want bạn to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do bạn expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did bạn crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He đã đưa ý kiến "fine; I can't hold bạn back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad đã đưa ý kiến after about 20 phút of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for bạn today! I'll take bạn out every couple of days for about an giờ until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave bạn a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! bạn did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She đã đưa ý kiến "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I đã đưa ý kiến "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the phòng bếp, nhà bếp and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi đã đưa ý kiến "it's nice to finally meet bạn Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did bạn have another baby Michael?" I đã đưa ý kiến "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and đã đưa ý kiến "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad đã đưa ý kiến as he sat down tiếp theo to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She đã đưa ý kiến "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy thực phẩm meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted bởi a gurgling sound and she đã đưa ý kiến "well; bạn kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and đã đưa ý kiến "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change bạn again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what thực phẩm they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the bàn when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were bạn checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and đã đưa ý kiến "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I forget that bạn had a boyfriend sometimes and bạn pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did bạn think I wasn't going to find out that bạn haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I đã đưa ý kiến "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He đã đưa ý kiến "that doesn't mean that bạn don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He đã đưa ý kiến "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do bạn know how hard it is to be me? No bạn don't; so bạn don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He đã đưa ý kiến "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell bạn that you're staying in school!" I đã đưa ý kiến under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He đã đưa ý kiến "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the đi văng tiếp theo to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that bạn guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with bạn because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my áo khoác and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna bạn better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are bạn guys doing here?" Colton đã đưa ý kiến "Kate gave us money to come down here and get bạn out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! bạn do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when bạn get back; right?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did bạn have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; bạn know how I am so I đã đưa ý kiến "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my bia bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon đã đưa ý kiến "trust me; it will be worth it!" I đã đưa ý kiến "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me trang chủ without getting into an accident and dad had gone to giường bởi the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full bia bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five phút later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He đã đưa ý kiến "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the bia bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did bạn drink last night?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yup!" He đã đưa ý kiến as he sat down tiếp theo to me on my giường "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and bạn shouldn't be drinking!!" I đã đưa ý kiến "whatever dad." He đã đưa ý kiến raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! bởi the way, I know that bạn just got trang chủ an giờ cách đây because I heard the front door shut! bạn look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he đã đưa ý kiến "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got cỏ stains all over your clothes! bạn smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO bạn ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled tiếp theo to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he đã đưa ý kiến "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect bạn from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! bạn deserve so much better! I need to save bạn from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down tiếp theo to him "what's wrong Michael?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Alanna came trang chủ about an giờ cách đây and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! bạn know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He đã đưa ý kiến as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and đã đưa ý kiến "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to hiển thị her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what thêm can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad đã đưa ý kiến "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He đã đưa ý kiến as he picked me up and put me in giường "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and đã đưa ý kiến "I want bạn to be everything that bạn can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down tiếp theo to me in my giường and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. bởi now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers ghế, chỗ ngồi while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He đã đưa ý kiến "watch out for that car AJ!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He đã đưa ý kiến after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are bạn going?" I đã đưa ý kiến with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will bạn please chill out?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "oh there bạn go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He đã đưa ý kiến "pay attention to what you're doing! bạn just ran that stop sign!" I đã đưa ý kiến arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He đã đưa ý kiến "don't tell me bạn didn't because I just saw bạn with my own two eyes! bạn know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he đã đưa ý kiến "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back ghế, chỗ ngồi and he into the drivers. He đã đưa ý kiến as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I đã đưa ý kiến "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I wish I didn't have to be so strict bạn but; bạn don't listen to me at all anymore!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time bạn made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I đã đưa ý kiến frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If bạn think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and đã đưa ý kiến "I didn't raise bạn like this! I want bạn to be like bạn used to be! When bạn were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED bạn ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he đã đưa ý kiến "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace đã đưa ý kiến "hi bạn two; how was your day?" I đã đưa ý kiến as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and đã đưa ý kiến "that right there is how our ngày was!" He took Carter from her and đã đưa ý kiến "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are bạn going to apologize?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I tình yêu her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and đã đưa ý kiến "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The tiếp theo thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed bởi the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I đã đưa ý kiến "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO bạn SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO bạn HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE tường SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me bởi the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad đã đưa ý kiến while sobbing "I tình yêu HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH bạn WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and đã đưa ý kiến "see; he thinks he's failing bạn as a father! bạn can't do that to him AJ! Do bạn know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to hiển thị bạn a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the bàn eating bữa tối, bữa ăn tối when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I đã đưa ý kiến "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and đã đưa ý kiến "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't bạn hiển thị daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and đã đưa ý kiến "you don't want your binky anymore!" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace đã đưa ý kiến "and in thêm ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and đã đưa ý kiến "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my áo sơ mi and he đã đưa ý kiến "oh; bạn got rid of those diapers for good! bạn hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace đã đưa ý kiến "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was thêm than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why bạn cry daddy? bạn need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace đã đưa ý kiến "you may not want to be his baby; but bạn always will be to him! I remember when bạn got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that bạn were having less and less issues with telling him that bạn needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get bạn to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like bạn were going to need him as much when bạn started to grow up! He would come in and rescue bạn from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and bạn definitely used that to your advantage! bạn would scream 'daddy I want bạn in here; not Grace’ because bạn knew he wouldn't make bạn sit there… He just doesn't want to let bạn go; no matter how old bạn are… No matter what the fight hoặc argument is about! He wants to protect bạn from everything! He doesn't want bạn to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time bạn don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; bạn need your dad thêm than bạn think bạn do! When bạn say things about not needing him; it hurts him thêm than bạn can ever imagine! He does so much for bạn and bạn treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants bạn to behave like he knows bạn can and bạn know bạn can! bạn just choose not too hoặc bạn blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… bạn use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor tiếp theo to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at bạn and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to bạn that bạn can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because bạn are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when bạn were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and đã đưa ý kiến "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I đã đưa ý kiến "now that bạn are calm; bạn may want to know that I punched a hole through the tường in my bedroom!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I đã đưa ý kiến "okay dad; I tình yêu bạn and I just want to tell bạn that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always tình yêu bạn thêm than bạn tình yêu me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to hiển thị dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and đã đưa ý kiến "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of giường and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
phút later, the xe cứu thương had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma đã đưa ý kiến while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down tiếp theo to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The một giây I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down tiếp theo to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "I'm afraid so AJ!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside bởi himself and đã đưa ý kiến "we all just saw dad one thêm time. bạn should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will bạn go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank đã đưa ý kiến "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I đã đưa ý kiến "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know why bạn would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I đã đưa ý kiến "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever đã đưa ý kiến to him!" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "I guarantee bạn that your dad is looking down at bạn right now from heaven and he would want to tell bạn not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise bạn it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and đã đưa ý kiến "I tình yêu bạn more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank đã đưa ý kiến down tiếp theo to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank đã đưa ý kiến "your dad wanted me to give bạn something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
bởi now bạn probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like bạn to have what is inside this envelope. Before bạn continue on to the tiếp theo page, there are some final rules and guidelines that bạn need to follow that go along with what bạn will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the tiếp theo page bạn must continue your final four years of high school! Next, bạn must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, bạn must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; bạn will take every opportunity bạn have to spend time with him and take two months out of the năm to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the tiếp theo page will be immediately revoked bởi your guardian until bạn reach the age of 18! Upon bạn turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that bạn will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I tình yêu bạn thêm :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the tiếp theo page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He đã đưa ý kiến "it looks like your dad wanted bạn signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank đã đưa ý kiến "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for bạn to be signed because bạn are a minor. All bạn need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he đã đưa ý kiến "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast bàn eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down tiếp theo to me. She asked "are bạn okay AJ? bạn haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do bạn have your license yet hoặc just your permit?" I đã đưa ý kiến "just my permit; why?" He đã đưa ý kiến as he looked at my grandmother "well; do bạn think bạn could get to the Staples center where the memorial is bởi yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few phút and đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as bạn take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog vịt đực, drake was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back ghế, chỗ ngồi while Prince sat tiếp theo to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are bạn guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can bạn at least wait until we get out of the driveway? bạn have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He đã đưa ý kiến "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever bạn do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and đã đưa ý kiến "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the đường phố, street and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't see one." I đã đưa ý kiến "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince đã đưa ý kiến "just ask for directions!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince đã đưa ý kiến "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and đã đưa ý kiến "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back ghế, chỗ ngồi of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and đã đưa ý kiến "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five phút before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and đã đưa ý kiến "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father bạn could ever imagine and I just tình yêu him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone hoặc living with my grandmother. On hàng đầu, đầu trang of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She đã đưa ý kiến "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen bạn cry at all!" I looked at her and đã đưa ý kiến "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She đã đưa ý kiến "so bạn just going to walk around here every ngày all depressed like this!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do bạn think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He đã đưa ý kiến as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the giường and I put my arm around him. Blanket đã đưa ý kiến "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He đã đưa ý kiến "I heard that bạn going to be a singer just like daddy! Are bạn going to leave us here if bạn have to go travel somewhere?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; but I will always be with bạn in your heart! I will call bạn all the time when I'm away! I promise that if bạn ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few phút cách đây and đã đưa ý kiến he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He đã đưa ý kiến "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do bạn mean?" He đã đưa ý kiến "a certain style hoặc way that bạn carry yourself that people will remember bạn for. thêm importantly something that your future người hâm mộ base will remember bạn for!" I đã đưa ý kiến "oh; now I get it!" He đã đưa ý kiến "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I đã đưa ý kiến "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He đã đưa ý kiến "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before bạn actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help bạn gain những người hâm mộ without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that bạn think I should make a Twitter account?" He đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; just make your tên người dùng direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the tên người dùng section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He đã đưa ý kiến "something that hints to what you're doing hoặc planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a một phút and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He đã đưa ý kiến "we work on your sense of style!" I đã đưa ý kiến "what are bạn talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do bạn think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe bạn just did that without even asking me!" I đã đưa ý kiến "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle bạn want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why bạn wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and đã đưa ý kiến "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when bạn can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will bạn please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want to; what part of that don't bạn understand?" She đã đưa ý kiến "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and đã đưa ý kiến "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I đã đưa ý kiến "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She đã đưa ý kiến "just think about it; bạn probably won't be here that much when bạn start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.
January 2, 2009,
I was lying in my giường with Carter in his cũi, giường cũi on the other side of my large bedroom. Dad came in and đã đưa ý kiến as he walked over to pick up Carter because he was crying "AJ; bạn need to get up." I put a cái gối, gối over my head and rolled over. He đã đưa ý kiến "you need to get up!" I complained "Carter kept me up all night long every giờ and a half! I'm tired; can it be your turn?" He đã đưa ý kiến "no, no, no, that's not how it works! I told bạn that if bạn wanted to raise Carter as your child then it's your responsibility to take care of him; not mine! I understand that you're tired but; so am I. I have 12 giờ work days at rehearsals for the new tour!"
I moaned "I tình yêu my giường and I'm not moving!" Dad grabbed my foot that was sticking out from underneath the covers and gently pulled me out of bed. I got up and đã đưa ý kiến with an irritated tone in my voice "all I'm asking for is one half-hour sleep!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "yeah well; that's tough for bạn because you're not going to get it. I've got to go to rehearsals. Oh and bởi the way, Grace and I got into an argument last night so; I don't know if she will be coming back. That means you're going to have to watch Carter, Blanket, Prince, and Paris until I get home. Don't worry; I cut my ngày short so I should be trang chủ at about 4 o'clock and I will bring trang chủ something to eat." I đã đưa ý kiến "you've got to be kidding me dad! I don't want to watch all of them! I already have my hands full with Carter as it is!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want to hear it AJ. You're watching them and that's that! I'm not doing it on purpose; I don't really have another choice! I đã đưa ý kiến sarcastically "I don't know; maybe bạn could stay home!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I can't afford to miss too many days AJ. bạn make it seem like it's going to be too much for bạn to handle. Prince is 11 and Paris is 10 so; it's not like bạn have to entertain them. As for Blanket, bạn can set him up with TV shows!" I đã đưa ý kiến "fine, but only because bạn have no other choice!" He hugged me and đã đưa ý kiến "thank you; I appreciate it, just don't burn the house down!"
January 7, 2009,
I was making Carter a bottle while dad put dishes in the dishwasher. He looked over and đã đưa ý kiến "make sure bạn measure that out correctly AJ.” I looked at him with an irritated expression on my face and đã đưa ý kiến "I know dad! I'm not stupid!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "I was just making sure; there's no reason for the attitude." I đã đưa ý kiến "whatever!" I stormed out of the room and sat on the couch.
As I was about to burp Carter, dad came in and sat down tiếp theo to me. He đã đưa ý kiến "don't be afraid to be a little bit forceful just as long as you're not too rough!" I looked over at him as I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "I know dad!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I'm just trying to be helpful; that's all." I đã đưa ý kiến "well; you're not being very helpful and you're actually starting to piss me off!" He asked "was that language really necessary Alanna?" I replied "um yeah actually it was because bạn won't have any faith in me when it comes to taking care of Carter!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I do trust you; it's not easy for me to trust bạn but, I do." I asked "why would it be hard for bạn trust me?" Dad đã đưa ý kiến "seriously; I can't believe you're asking me that! Every other thing bạn tell me is a lie and bạn walk around here like bạn don't care about what I have to say!" I đã đưa ý kiến "okay; go ahead and play the victim again because that way bạn know you'll win!"
I brought Carter upstairs to finish feeding him because the tension between dad and I was filling the air. A few phút later, dad came upstairs and walked into my room. He sat down on my giường and đã đưa ý kiến "you have to understand that the fact that you’re a mother hasn't fully sunk in yet and you're not even 15 yet! bạn still have a lot to learn!” I đã đưa ý kiến "I came up here for a reason; I need to be away from bạn right now!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I tình yêu bạn AJ!" I whispered "I tình yêu bạn too" and he đã đưa ý kiến "I tình yêu bạn more!"
March 19, 2009,
I got my drivers permit a couple of days cách đây and have been badgering dad to take me out for my first test drive. The two of us were standing in the phòng bếp, nhà bếp and I begged "come on dad! Please take me out and teach me how to drive! Now is the perfect time because Grace is back and she can watch the kids while we're gone!" He grabbed his car keys and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm not looking phía trước, chuyển tiếp to this! Let's get this over with!" I đã đưa ý kiến "thank you, thank you, thank you!" He đã đưa ý kiến "Grace we'll be back in about an hour." Prince asked "is AJ going to learn how to drive daddy? Can I come?" Paris đã đưa ý kiến "if Prince is going then I want to go too!" Grace đã đưa ý kiến "neither of bạn can go because bạn are too young to be in the car with someone with a learners permit!" Prince and Paris looked at her in disappointment as the two of us got ready to leave. Grace đã đưa ý kiến "good luck bạn guys! I can't wait to hear all about it when bạn get back." Dad đã đưa ý kiến "thanks; I think we're going to need it!"
We went out to the car and I was ready to open up the driver’s side door when dad đã đưa ý kiến "you're not driving just yet; hold your horses!" I asked disappointed "why?" He đã đưa ý kiến as we got into our seats "because I'm not taking bạn out on the road until bạn know what you're doing! I'm taking bạn to an empty parking lot! We can use the Staples Center parking lot because it's closed today.
Once we arrived at the Staples Center parking lot, he parked the car and we switch seats with each other. I could tell that he was already nervous and I hadn't even started the car yet. After I buckled my seatbelt, I turned the key in the ignition and the motor started. I was overly eager and dad đã đưa ý kiến “wait, let me hiển thị bạn what's what here! This is your gas pedal, this is the break! I suggest that bạn don't tend to get them mixed up." I honked the horn and he đã đưa ý kiến "are bạn listening to me? This is important! bạn need to understand this hoặc else I'm not going to let bạn drive! Now hiển thị me which ones the gas and which one is the break." I showed him and he tried to stall for as long as possible because he was really freaked out.
After 15 minutes, I finally đã đưa ý kiến "come on dad; I don't want to just sit here all ngày with the car running and stay in the same exact spot!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến as he let out a deep sigh "alright; but go slow!" I lightly pressed my foot down on the gas pedal and we started moving forward. I đã đưa ý kiến under my breath "oh my God; I can't believe I'm actually driving your car!" We slowly crept up on a giant cement yellow pole and dad đã đưa ý kiến "turn, turn, turn, turn AJ! Oh my God please turn AJ!" He squinted his eyes bracing for impact and I turned easily without any problems. I looked over at him and asked "what are bạn so scared of dad? I'm doing fine and you're stressing over nothing!" He đã đưa ý kiến "this isn't nothing AJ! I don't want bạn to get hurt!" I laughed as I looked around and asked "how the heck do bạn expect me to get hurt in a giant empty parking lot with no other cars and not to mention that that pole was the only thing I could have possibly hit! I can understand why you'd be like this if we were on the road with a bunch of other cars but; come on!"
He opened his eyes and asked "did bạn crash?" I asked "does it look like I crashed dad?" He looked around to see that the both of us were perfectly fine and took a deep breath. I asked "can I go a little bit faster than a turtle?" He đã đưa ý kiến "fine; I can't hold bạn back forever!" I cranked up to speed a little bit faster and dad đã đưa ý kiến after about 20 phút of driving "okay; I think that's enough driving for bạn today! I'll take bạn out every couple of days for about an giờ until I feel you're ready to drive on the road. I know I gave bạn a hard time but; it's only because I'm worried! bạn did pretty well for someone who's never driven before!"
March 23, 2009,
There was a knock at the front door of our Los Angeles rental house and I answered it with Carter in my arms. A gorgeous, tall, African-American woman was standing on the other side and I asked "can I help you?" She đã đưa ý kiến "hi; my name is Kyi Chase and your father hired me as the new chef here." I đã đưa ý kiến "oh yeah; I forgot that today was your first day! Come on in and I'll go get my dad for you!"
While I went to go find dad, Kyi found her way to the phòng bếp, nhà bếp and sat down on a barstool. Soon after, dad, Prince, Paris, Blanket, and I walked in and Kyi đã đưa ý kiến "it's nice to finally meet bạn Michael!" We each introduced ourselves and she asked "when did bạn have another baby Michael?" I đã đưa ý kiến "oh no; he is not his! This is Carter and he is my son. Just don't say anything to anyone else because we want to keep me being a teenage mother a secret for as long as possible!" She shook her head in agreement and đã đưa ý kiến "I completely understand! I won't say anything!"
Dad đã đưa ý kiến as he sat down tiếp theo to Kyi "during the week the children and I eat very healthy but; on Saturdays all of us eat anything and everything we want to!" She đã đưa ý kiến "that sounds good to me! I have a lot of healthy thực phẩm meal plans!" Their conversation was interrupted bởi a gurgling sound and she đã đưa ý kiến "well; bạn kids must be really hungry!" I looked down at Carter and đã đưa ý kiến "that wasn't us! Seriously Carter; I can't believe I have to change bạn again!" I went upstairs while the rest of them talked about what thực phẩm they would like to have made for them.
March 27, 2009,
We were all setting the bàn when Kyi brought out a giant bowl of chicken Alfredo. As I was filling my plate, I looked over and saw dad's eyes quickly scan Kyi's amazing figure. I looked at him with a mischievous look on my face and asked "were bạn checking her out dad?" He looked down and started blushing. I started laughing and đã đưa ý kiến "you didn't think I was going to catch on to that!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I forget that bạn had a boyfriend sometimes and bạn pick up on that kind of stuff."
April 6, 2009,
I was up in my room when I heard dad's shoes squeaking on the floor. He came in and without saying anything dropped a piece of paper down in front of me. I knew exactly what it was and he asked "did bạn think I wasn't going to find out that bạn haven't been doing your schoolwork since the baby was born?" I đã đưa ý kiến "you know it's not easy for me to juggle being a mom at 15 and doing my schoolwork!" He đã đưa ý kiến "that doesn't mean that bạn don't have to do any of your work; that's no excuse!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm actually thinking of dropping out soon!" He đã đưa ý kiến "no you're not! Not on my watch!" I asked "do bạn know how hard it is to be me? No bạn don't; so bạn don't have a lot of room to talk dad!" He đã đưa ý kiến "yes I do because I'm your dad and I have the right to tell bạn that you're staying in school!" I đã đưa ý kiến under my breath as he walked away "we'll see about that." He đã đưa ý kiến "you have less than four years the; just get it over with!"
April 11, 2009,
I was sitting with Carter on the đi văng tiếp theo to dad when the doorbell rang. Dad got up to answer it and I heard him say "it's nice that bạn guys came all the way down here to see AJ but; she can't hang out with bạn because she's taking care of Carter." I began to get curious and went to go see who was at the door. I couldn't believe it! Sketch, Brandon, and Colton were standing at the front steps. Before dad could stop me, I grabbed my áo khoác and dashed out the door after passing Carter to him. I hopped in the car that the guys had rented. As we sped out of the driveway, I heard dad yell "Alanna bạn better get back here!"
Once we were far enough away, I looked at them and asked "what are bạn guys doing here?" Colton đã đưa ý kiến "Kate gave us money to come down here and get bạn out of the house for a while because you've been in there with the baby for a long time! bạn do realize that you're probably not going to hear the end of it from your dad when bạn get back; right?" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm used to it; I don't care! If he's not complaining about one thing about me it'll be something else! What did bạn have in mind for tonight?" Sketch showed me what appeared to be an amazingly realistic fake ID and asked "how does drinking your first few beers sound to you?” I knew it wasn't the right thing to do but; bạn know how I am so I đã đưa ý kiến "sounds good to me!"
After we had gotten the alcohol with the fake ID, we went to the park and sat down in the grass! I popped the lid off of my bia bottle and took my first sip. I definitely didn't like the taste but; Brandon đã đưa ý kiến "trust me; it will be worth it!" I đã đưa ý kiến "it better be!"
When I had finished my third drink I was definitely feeling what they were talking about and the guys were laughing at how I was acting! We started doing some really stupid things that I can't really remember because I was so drunk. We each ended up drinking an eight pack of our own. Luckily, one of the guys was able to drive me trang chủ without getting into an accident and dad had gone to giường bởi the time I stumbled up the stairs to my room.
April 12, 2009,
When I woke up this morning I had the worst headache ever! I didn't remember anything from last night but; I did catch a glimpse of a few half full bia bottles in my room. I don't know why; but I didn't try to hide them! I was still kind of out of it and I fell back asleep.
Five phút later, dad walked in my room and tapped my shoulder. I moaned "what?" He đã đưa ý kiến "it's time to get up!" I sat up and rubbed my eyes. That's when he noticed the bia bottles in my room. His eyes widened and he asked with a whispered tone "did bạn drink last night?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yup!" He đã đưa ý kiến as he sat down tiếp theo to me on my giường "you say that like it's no big deal AJ! You're 15 years old and bạn shouldn't be drinking!!" I đã đưa ý kiến "whatever dad." He đã đưa ý kiến raising his voice a little bit "no it's not whatever Alanna! bởi the way, I know that bạn just got trang chủ an giờ cách đây because I heard the front door shut! bạn look absolutely ridiculous right now!!!"
His voice cracked as he started to cry and he đã đưa ý kiến "LOOK AT YOURSELF! Your hair is sticking up all over the place! You've got cỏ stains all over your clothes! bạn smell like a brewery! Let alone the fact THAT YOU'RE DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS!" I mumbled slurring my words "I'm not that drunk!" Tears flowed from his eyes and he asked "WHAT'S HAPPENING TO YOU? WHERE IS MY LITTLE TOMBOY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO bạn ARE ANYMORE!" I fell over in a drunken stupor and he just started bawling his eyes out as he fell to his knees. He crawled tiếp theo to me and dragged me onto his lap.
I had fallen fast asleep and he just kept crying and rocking me back and forth as if I was a newborn baby. He cried uncontrollably as he đã đưa ý kiến "it's okay; it's okay! Daddy's going to protect bạn from the dark side of the world! I didn't want this for you! bạn deserve so much better! I need to save bạn from yourself!"
Grace came into the room to see what all the commotion was and asked as she knelt down tiếp theo to him "what's wrong Michael?" He đã đưa ý kiến "Alanna came trang chủ about an giờ cách đây and she is drunk! Grace I don't know what to do! That's the worst thing she's ever done! I didn't think she would do something that stupid! Now that she knows what it feels like; I'm afraid that she won't stop! bạn know how she is! She does what she wants when she wants to! What's she going to do when she's out in the world without me to protect her?" Grace didn't have anything to say because she was just as terrified as he is. He đã đưa ý kiến as he looked at her with his eyes bloodshot from crying so hard and đã đưa ý kiến "that scares the hell out of me! I don't know what I'm going to do with her! I've tried and tried to hiển thị her the right things in life… She just doesn't listen! SHE'S TEARING ME APART! I'm trying so hard but; what thêm can I do?"
At this point, Grace had started crying and dad đã đưa ý kiến "I have to put her on the right track before it's too late! She's drinking, a teenage mother, swears like a sailor, and sneaks out of the house. What's next; jail? I have to say that it wouldn't surprise me!" What she doesn't realize is that the real world isn't like it is this me!" Grace asked "what are we going to do? I can't stop her if she decides she's going to just up and leave!!!" He đã đưa ý kiến as he picked me up and put me in giường "I guess I have no choice but to bring her with me when I go to rehearsals." He kissed my forehead moving my blonde hair out of the way and đã đưa ý kiến "I want bạn to be everything that bạn can be! I hate the person you're becoming and I'll do everything in my power to stop that!" He then lay down tiếp theo to me in my giường and fell asleep.
June 24, 2009,
Dad and I were leaving the Staples center after his rehearsals ended at 9 o'clock. bởi now, dad had started letting me learn how to drive on the road so; I got into the drivers ghế, chỗ ngồi while she sat in the passenger's seat. Before we had even gotten onto the road he was already being critical of my driving. He đã đưa ý kiến "watch out for that car AJ!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I put the blinker on "I can see dad! I was already way ahead of you!" He đã đưa ý kiến after the stop light turned green "don't keep your foot so heavy on the gas pedal AJ; the speed here is 35! How fast are bạn going?" I đã đưa ý kiến with an annoyed tone in my voice "34 dad! Will bạn please chill out?" He đã đưa ý kiến "I can't because I don't trust you!" I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "oh there bạn go again with the whole 'I don't trust you’ thing!" He đã đưa ý kiến "pay attention to what you're doing! bạn just ran that stop sign!" I đã đưa ý kiến arrogantly "um… No I didn't!" He đã đưa ý kiến "don't tell me bạn didn't because I just saw bạn with my own two eyes! bạn know what; pull the car over on the side of the road! I asked "what; why?"
I pulled the car over and he đã đưa ý kiến "get in the back seat; you're done!" I snarled my upper lip with rage as I climbed into the back ghế, chỗ ngồi and he into the drivers. He đã đưa ý kiến as he looked at me in the rearview mirror "you need to quit it with the attitude! What's the deal AJ?" I đã đưa ý kiến "you're being way too strict with me and I can't take it much longer!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I wish I didn't have to be so strict bạn but; bạn don't listen to me at all anymore!" I đã đưa ý kiến "you are over exaggerating!" He asked "oh really? When was the last time bạn made your bed?" I of course didn't answer him because then I would have to own up to it.
He started crying and I đã đưa ý kiến frustrated "oh my God; I can't believe you're crying again! If bạn think that going to make me feel bad you're wasting your time!" He shook his head in disbelief and đã đưa ý kiến "I didn't raise bạn like this! I want bạn to be like bạn used to be! When bạn were somewhat well behaved; instead of absolutely out-of-control!" I shouted "YOU NEED TO GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL THAT I'M NOT THAT LITTLE FOUR-YEAR-OLD ANYMORE! I DON'T NEED bạn ANYMORE!"
We pulled into the driveway and he đã đưa ý kiến "go upstairs to your room! You're on punishment until further notice!" I slammed the car door and stormed inside. Grace đã đưa ý kiến "hi bạn two; how was your day?" I đã đưa ý kiến as I raced up the stairs with dad following me "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" He looked at Grace and đã đưa ý kiến "that right there is how our ngày was!" He took Carter from her and đã đưa ý kiến "I guess I'll be watching him tonight again!"
After he had gotten the baby asleep, he stood in his bedroom doorway and I stood in mine. He calmly asked with tears in his eyes "are bạn going to apologize?" I đã đưa ý kiến "no" and slammed my door. Grace had seen everything that just happened and looked at my dad in shock as tears streamed down his face. She ran over to hug him and he asked "why does she do this to me? If only she knew how much it really hurts to have her say that stuff to me! She knows that much I tình yêu her and she uses that to her advantage!" Grace pulled away from the hug and đã đưa ý kiến "hang on; I'll be back Michael!"
The tiếp theo thing I knew, she swung my bedroom door wide open and slammed it shut after she walked in. I sat there texting on my phone completely unfazed bởi the commotion going on directly outside my bedroom door. She walked up to me and ripped the phone out of my hands! I đã đưa ý kiến "what the hell Grace!!!" She asked "ALANNA MICHAEL JACKSON DO bạn SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR FATHER? YOU'RE DESTROYING HIM! DO bạn HEAR HIM CRYING OUT THERE? HE'S LEANING UP AGAINST THE tường SITTING DOWN AND CRYING TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY!"
She grabbed me bởi the arm and pressed my ear up against the door. My dad đã đưa ý kiến while sobbing "I tình yêu HER SO MUCH! SHE CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER! MY BABY; WHERE DID I GO WRONG? I WISH bạn WOULD TELL ME SO I COULD FIX IT!!!" Grace looked at me and đã đưa ý kiến "see; he thinks he's failing bạn as a father! bạn can't do that to him AJ! Do bạn know what he's done for you?" Sit down; I want to hiển thị bạn a video!" She pulled out a video tape from my cluttered closet and pressed play as she put it in the VCR:
Dated at the bottom of the screen: August 21, 1996
Grace and I sitting at the bàn eating bữa tối, bữa ăn tối when I was two years old. The door opens and Grace asked "who is that AJ?" Dad snuck up behind me and covered my eyes with his hands. Then he lifted them to reveal his face staring at me. I đã đưa ý kiến "MY DADDY IS HOME!" He picked me up and đã đưa ý kiến "I missed you!" Grace asked "why don't bạn hiển thị daddy what we threw away?" Dad walked up to the trashcan with me in his arms and pressed the lever that lifted the trashcan lid with his foot. He gasped and đã đưa ý kiến "you don't want your binky anymore!" I đã đưa ý kiến "no; I'm a big kid!" Grace đã đưa ý kiến "and in thêm ways than just the pacifiers Michael!" I started giggling and đã đưa ý kiến "Spiderman, daddy I got Spiderman!" He looked at grace and asked "Spiderman what?" Grace lifted my áo sơ mi and he đã đưa ý kiến "oh; bạn got rid of those diapers for good! bạn hear that AJ? There's no going back now!" Grace đã đưa ý kiến "I think you're the one that doesn't want her to grow up! She was thêm than ready to get rid of her baby things!" He started to cry and I asked in broken English "why bạn cry daddy? bạn need to be jumpy instead! I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you!"
***
After the video was over those words "I'm not a baby anymore but; I need you" stuck in my head as I heard dad continue to cry in the hallway. Grace đã đưa ý kiến "you may not want to be his baby; but bạn always will be to him! I remember when bạn got back from your trip to Australia like it was yesterday! Sure he was excited that bạn were having less and less issues with telling him that bạn needed to go but; he wanted to feel needed! He would deliberately sabotage my efforts to get bạn to go to the bathroom (laughs). He didn't feel like bạn were going to need him as much when bạn started to grow up! He would come in and rescue bạn from me; which made me look like such a bad guy and bạn definitely used that to your advantage! bạn would scream 'daddy I want bạn in here; not Grace’ because bạn knew he wouldn't make bạn sit there… He just doesn't want to let bạn go; no matter how old bạn are… No matter what the fight hoặc argument is about! He wants to protect bạn from everything! He doesn't want bạn to get hurt! That's why he feels the need to be so strict and let's face it AJ; most of the time bạn don't use your common sense! He is your common sense; bạn need your dad thêm than bạn think bạn do! When bạn say things about not needing him; it hurts him thêm than bạn can ever imagine! He does so much for bạn and bạn treat him like dirt on the bottom of your shoe! He's at the end of his rope! He just wants bạn to behave like he knows bạn can and bạn know bạn can! bạn just choose not too hoặc bạn blame everything on your ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder… bạn use that as an excuse and your dad feels guilty when he punishes you!"
I got up as my guilty conscience was eating me alive and opened up my bedroom door. I looked down at my dad who was sitting on the floor outside my bedroom crying his eyes out. I sat down on the floor tiếp theo to him and he looked at me and was afraid say anything. I pulled him and for a hug. I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm sorry dad! I didn't understand why those memories of me when I was that young were so important to you! I'm sorry I swore at bạn and slammed the door in your face! I want to prove to bạn that bạn can trust me! Don't beat yourself up because bạn are the best father in the world! He wiped his tears and đã đưa ý kiến "I'm sorry that I'm always talking about when bạn were really little! That's just all that I have left of that time; I'll never do those types of things again! Blanket is my youngest and he is seven!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm not a baby anymore but; I will always need my daddy!" He kissed me and đã đưa ý kiến "I accept your apology and I hope to God that we don't have a fight like that again! I đã đưa ý kiến "now that bạn are calm; bạn may want to know that I punched a hole through the tường in my bedroom!" Dad đã đưa ý kiến as he sighed "you'll be patching that up as part of your punishment!" I đã đưa ý kiến "okay dad; I tình yêu bạn and I just want to tell bạn that I'm sorry again! I know that that was unnecessary and uncalled for!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I accept your apology again and like I always say, I'll always tình yêu bạn thêm than bạn tình yêu me!"
June 25, 2009,
I was laying in my room and 1 million thoughts went through my mind. How am I going to hiển thị dad that he can trust me again? I feel like such a jerk for what happened last night! I've never seen him cry like that! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever made him cry with anything other than tears of joy! If Grace had not snapped me out of the mood I was in today would start off just as bad as yesterday!
It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and I heard Dr. Murray scream "Alanna, Prince come quick!" Prince ran into my room and đã đưa ý kiến "there's something really wrong with daddy!" I jolted out of giường and ran down the hall with him. When we got to the master bedroom, Prince and I stood there in shock as we stared at dad lying on the floor while Dr. Murray frantically performed CPR. Prince and I started crying and I hugged him while Paris, Grace, and Blanket started praying.
phút later, the xe cứu thương had arrived and so had my relatives. Grandma đã đưa ý kiến while trying to hide her fear and concern "come on children; we're going to the hospital!" I forced back tears the entire ride to the hospital and it felt like we were never going to get there!
All four of us kids walked inside without our masks on and sat in the waiting room while the rest of the family went to go see what was going on. Dad's manager Frank sat with us and we waited for about a half hour. Then a nurse directed us to an empty room with chairs. We all sat down and Prince sat down tiếp theo to me. We sat there in silence for a few minutes. I looked up at my grandmother without saying anything and she forced out of the words "I'm sorry children but; your father passed away this morning!" Prince, Paris, and Blanket immediately started crying. The một giây I heard her say those words, I stormed out of the room and Frank followed me. He shouted "AJ wait!" I ran out the door and sat down on a bench outside the hospital entrance. Frank caught up with me and sat down tiếp theo to me.
I started crying as Frank looked at me sympathetically. He hugged me as I cried hysterically and asked "is he really dead?" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "I'm afraid so AJ!" I đã đưa ý kiến as I shook my head in disbelief "this can't be happening! He can't be gone forever! I need him!" Prince came outside bởi himself and đã đưa ý kiến "we all just saw dad one thêm time. bạn should go see him too." I looked at Frank and asked "will bạn go with me? I don't feel comfortable crying in front of anyone else and I don't want to go in alone!" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "of course I will kid!" I hugged Prince as he wiped his eyes and we all went back inside the hospital.
Frank walked into the hospital room where my dad's body was with me and I stood over his lifeless body. I started crying and collapsed into a chair. Frank đã đưa ý kiến "it'll be okay! He's in a better place now!" I đã đưa ý kiến "it's not okay! It's all my fault!" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know why bạn would think that! In no way at all is this your fault!" I đã đưa ý kiến "he thought I didn't need him anymore! We got into a huge fight last night and I almost punched him! I scared the crap out of him and made him feel like an awful father! Even though I apologized, I didn't think that that would be the last thing I ever đã đưa ý kiến to him!" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "I guarantee bạn that your dad is looking down at bạn right now from heaven and he would want to tell bạn not to blame any of this on yourself because it's not your fault! I promise bạn it's not your fault! We're going to find out what really happened and get everything straightened out!" I kissed dad's cheek and đã đưa ý kiến "I tình yêu bạn more!!!
I wiped away tears and calmed myself down. Frank đã đưa ý kiến down tiếp theo to me and I asked "what happens now?" Frank đã đưa ý kiến "well; I think you're going to go back to your grandmother's house." I rolled my eyes and đã đưa ý kiến "I have a feeling that that's not going to last for very long between me and her under the same roof." Frank đã đưa ý kiến "your dad wanted me to give bạn something just in case anything ever happened to him" as he pulled and envelope out of his pocket. I looked at him confused as I grabbed it and asked "what is it?" He responded "I honestly don't know. I never looked inside it! I've held onto it since 2007." I opened it up and there was a letter of stapled pieces of paper. I read out loud:
"Dear Alanna,
bởi now bạn probably know that I have died for some unknown reason. In the event of my death I would like bạn to have what is inside this envelope. Before bạn continue on to the tiếp theo page, there are some final rules and guidelines that bạn need to follow that go along with what bạn will see in a minute. The first of which is, in order to take advantage of what is on the tiếp theo page bạn must continue your final four years of high school! Next, bạn must keep yourself from getting in trouble with the law! (Written in a different color ink which probably means he added it years later) lastly, bạn must continue to play an active role in Carter's life. Which means; bạn will take every opportunity bạn have to spend time with him and take two months out of the năm to spend solely with him! If any of these rules are broken it WILL NOT BE TOLERATED and what is on the tiếp theo page will be immediately revoked bởi your guardian until bạn reach the age of 18! Upon bạn turning 18 it shall be returned to you! I can probably imagine that you've cried a lot of tears today so I'll end this letter with a quote from Spiderman that bạn will probably laugh at but; try to take it literally because it's true! 'With great power; comes great responsibility!'
Sincerely, daddy
PS. I tình yêu bạn thêm :-)"
***
I laughed at the quote and Frank asked "what's on the tiếp theo page AJ?" I turned the page casually and started to scan it with my eyes. After a few minutes, I whispered "oh my God" and shook my head in disbelief. Frank asked "what is it?" I asked myself "is he serious? He can't be serious!!!" Frank asked again "WHAT IS IT?" I read it out loud "MJJ records: recording contract!" Frank stood up and looked over my shoulder. He đã đưa ý kiến "it looks like your dad wanted bạn signed as an official artist to his record label and it says right here that he appointed me as your manager!" I started crying again and Frank đã đưa ý kiến "he signed the bottom of the paper saying that it is okay for bạn to be signed because bạn are a minor. All bạn need to is sign your name and initial here!" I signed my name with the pen he passed me and he đã đưa ý kiến "welcome to MJJ records kid!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe my dream is coming true! I'm going to be a famous celebrity like my dad!"
July 7, 2009,
I was sitting at the breakfast bàn eating cereal in Havenhurst and my grandmother sat down tiếp theo to me. She asked "are bạn okay AJ? bạn haven't talked about what happened to your dad since we left the hospital." I got up to throw my bowl in the sink and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want to talk about it." She looked at me emotionless and I took Carter out of his high chair.
I got dressed in a female suit with pants and all of us gathered in the living room. I looked at my aunts and uncles as I held my almost 8-month-old son in my arms. Uncle Randy đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know what we're going to do about this whole car situation and getting to the memorial service. Mother needs to go with us which leaves Alanna, Prince, Paris, and Blanket having to go in the other car. AJ do bạn have your license yet hoặc just your permit?" I đã đưa ý kiến "just my permit; why?" He đã đưa ý kiến as he looked at my grandmother "well; do bạn think bạn could get to the Staples center where the memorial is bởi yourself without getting pulled over?"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They're basically asking me to do something illegal! I thought about it for a few phút and đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; I think I can do that! Just as long as bạn take the baby in your car because I don't feel comfortable driving without an adult with Carter in the car. I'm fine taking Blanket, Prince, and Paris with me though."
They agreed and uncle Jermaine tossed me his car keys. I walked out to the car with my siblings. I noticed that my dog vịt đực, drake was still outside and turned back to let him in the house. Blanket and Paris sat in the back ghế, chỗ ngồi while Prince sat tiếp theo to me in the passenger seat. I asked "are bạn guys buckled up?" They shook their heads in agreement and Prince turned the radio on. I asked "can bạn at least wait until we get out of the driveway? bạn have to remember that this is the first time I'll be driving without an adult in the car and I don't want to mess up!"
I looked over my shoulder as I pulled out of the driveway and uncle Randy rolled his car window down to talk to me before we officially leave. He đã đưa ý kiến "you got this; just pay attention to stop lights and signs. The GPS is already preset with address to both the Staples center and Forrest Lawn Cemetery where the private funeral will be. Whatever bạn do, don't get pulled over AJ!" I took a deep breath and đã đưa ý kiến "I won't." He rolled his window up and drove off with my other relatives in the car with him.
I drove down the đường phố, street and turned the GPS on. The automated voice started spitting out directions faster than I can understand her. I asked Prince as we pulled up to an intersection "is there a rewind button on that thing?" He picked the GPS up and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't see one." I đã đưa ý kiến "that's just great! I think we're lost!" Prince đã đưa ý kiến "just ask for directions!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I can't because someone will know that I'm not supposed me driving without and adult in the car." Prince đã đưa ý kiến "I didn't even notice that that's Uncle Randy's car in front of us!" I passed him my cell phone and đã đưa ý kiến "text him and tell him that the GPS is being stupid! Tell him to go straight to the Staples center because were following him." Prince started tapping on the keyboard and Aunt Janet gave me a thumbs up from the back ghế, chỗ ngồi of his car.
I took a sigh of relief as I drove through the entrance of the Staples center and the four of us got out of the car. My relatives walked up to us in a group and grandma passed me Carter who had fallen asleep in her arms. Then uncle Marlon passed me a white bracelet and đã đưa ý kiến "that's your pass to the reserve seating area were all of us will be; don't lose it!"
Five phút before the ceremony ended, Paris walked on the stage and đã đưa ý kiến "I just wanted to say that my daddy was the best father bạn could ever imagine and I just tình yêu him so much!" I was so proud of my sister because I wouldn't have been able to be that brave. I'm still not used to the idea of my dad being gone hoặc living with my grandmother. On hàng đầu, đầu trang of all of that, I still have to be a mother to Carter and that only makes me miss my dad more. I feel like I don't belong here, I don't fit in at my grandmother's house! I wonder how long this is going to last!
July 14, 2009,
I was sitting in my grandmother's living room after putting Carter down for a nap and watching TV. I wasn't really watching it though; I was just staring at it thinking about my dad. Grandma walked up to me and sat down. She đã đưa ý kiến "it's okay to be sad AJ! I haven't seen bạn cry at all!" I looked at her and đã đưa ý kiến "that's because I'm not a crier grandma!" She đã đưa ý kiến "so bạn just going to walk around here every ngày all depressed like this!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I'm not talking about this anymore!" I ran up to my new room and sat down on the bed. I looked at the picture of dad and I when I was 11 years old and put the picture frame facing down so I didn't have to look at it. I started crying and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know how I'm going to do this! I just want my dad back! I wish everyone would stop asking me how I'm feeling! How do bạn think I'm feeling? My dad just died!"
Blanket came into my room as I quickly tried to hide the fact that I have been crying. He đã đưa ý kiến as he started to cry "I want daddy to come back too!" He sat down on the giường and I put my arm around him. Blanket đã đưa ý kiến "I don't really want to live here AJ!" I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't either buddy but; we have to try and make the best of it!" He asked "why did he have to leave us so soon?" I paused searching for an appropriate answer to give a seven-year-old and đã đưa ý kiến "I don't know buddy; I guess it was just time for God to take him to heaven." He đã đưa ý kiến "I heard that bạn going to be a singer just like daddy! Are bạn going to leave us here if bạn have to go travel somewhere?" I đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; but I will always be with bạn in your heart! I will call bạn all the time when I'm away! I promise that if bạn ever need me for anything important; I'll be there!"
August 3, 2009,
Frank texted me a few phút cách đây and đã đưa ý kiến he wants to have a meeting with me about launching my career. Once he arrived, I let him inside and we went into the spare living room. He đã đưa ý kiến "we have to create your image!" I looked at him confused and asked "what do bạn mean?" He đã đưa ý kiến "a certain style hoặc way that bạn carry yourself that people will remember bạn for. thêm importantly something that your future người hâm mộ base will remember bạn for!" I đã đưa ý kiến "oh; now I get it!" He đã đưa ý kiến "it's been a long time since I've started the career of an artist from the ground up. What are kids and teens into these days?" I đã đưa ý kiến "everything pretty much has to do with social media sites like Twitter, Facebook, and sometimes MySpace!" He đã đưa ý kiến "from what I can see with other teenage celebrities, setting up a Twitter account before bạn actually get in the studio will make people wonder what you're up to. Just having Michael Jackson as your father will help bạn gain những người hâm mộ without even doing anything."
I grabbed my laptop and sat back down on the couch. I asked "so what you're saying is that bạn think I should make a Twitter account?" He đã đưa ý kiến "yeah; just make your tên người dùng direct and to the point. I'll make sure that it becomes a verified account for you." I typed on my keyboard under the tên người dùng section in create an account: @officialAlannaJackson. I asked "what should I send as my first tweet?" He đã đưa ý kiến "something that hints to what you're doing hoặc planning to do but; will leave people wondering." I thought about it for a một phút and then typed @officialAlannaJackson: be prepared for what's coming your way!
I asked "what's next?" He đã đưa ý kiến "we work on your sense of style!" I đã đưa ý kiến "what are bạn talking about? I have a great sense of style!" He đã đưa ý kiến "I think we should change your hair style because it's the exact same thing as that Bieber kids except yours is blonde. Come on we're going to the hairdresser."
I walked into the bathroom and Frank could hear the buzzcutter running. He stormed in and asked "what do bạn think you're doing?" I stood there as I shaved my head back to the fauxhawk that I had a couple years back. He đã đưa ý kiến "I can't believe bạn just did that without even asking me!" I đã đưa ý kiến "listen, it's my head and I'm not just going to walk around with whatever hairstyle bạn want me to have. That me being how the rest of Hollywood works but; I'm not doing this for Hollywood, I'm doing it for me! I'm going to wear my usual baggy jeans and sports jerseys because that's what I like. I understand why bạn wanted me to cut my hair but; I'm not going to just conform to what society wants me to be because I'm my own person!" Frank just looked at me stunned and đã đưa ý kiến "fair enough."
August 5, 2009,
I'm having a hard time coming to terms with my dad not being alive anymore. It still doesn't feel like he's gone! It just feels like he's on vacation and that he will be back soon… Even though I know that's not going to happen! It's definitely one of those times when bạn can say "you don't know what you've got until it's gone!"
Having Carter helps me get my mind off of things. He's changed so much already since he has been born. He has the most amazing smile and I can't wait until his teeth grow in because it will be even better! I don't have time to be sad about my dad because I have to take care of my son. That's what my relatives don't understand! It's almost like they want me to fall to my knees and beg for my dad to be back! It's like they think that I don't care! If only they were me they would know how I feel! I miss my dad so much and this is still all so new to me
***
All of us were in the backyard watching Prince and my cousin Jafar playing badminton. Carter was sitting in his bouncy saucer and my grandmother asked "will bạn please talk to me about how you're feeling when it comes to your father? I đã đưa ý kiến "I don't want to; what part of that don't bạn understand?" She đã đưa ý kiến "please don't talk to me like that AJ!" I picked Carter up and went inside to my room.
After a few minutes, grandma came in and sat down on my bed. I took one look at her and started crying. She hugged me and đã đưa ý kiến "I was waiting for this to happen. It's okay; you're going to get through this!" I đã đưa ý kiến "this is so hard! I just want dad back! I'm not used to sharing a house with so many people!" She đã đưa ý kiến "just think about it; bạn probably won't be here that much when bạn start working on your musical career! Plus having so many family members means that Carter will definitely be loved when you're gone!" I worry how all this will play out.