1. Offer him Visine at inopportune moments.
2. Mock his choice in becoming an Eye. Wouldn't a Mouth hoặc a Hand be easier?
3. Knock on bedroom doors around Mordor late at night and complain that bạn had a bad dream.
4. Train his armies to sing "The Ants Go Marching One bởi One."
5. During secret evil plotting meetings, raise your hand and ask to go to the bathroom in a whiny voice. Squirm a lot if he says no.
6. Tell Sauron "Wormtounge đã đưa ý kiến you're looking fatter."
7. Tell Wormtounge "Sauron đã đưa ý kiến you're looking fatter."
8. Then throw a party and force both to sit through it. Sitting tiếp theo to each other.
9. Whenever possible, work a phrase about body parts in, such as "reach out your hand and take it." Then stare pointedly at him and apologize.
10. Convince him to engage in staring contests with you.
11. Chastise him for talking to people he doesn't know over the palantir. It could be dangerous!
12. When he tells bạn he's only been talking to Saruman, mock him on his choice of friends.
13. Politely wonder out loud how such a powerful guy like him was having such trouble catching "one of those adorable little hobbits."
14. Ask him his opinion on Legolas's outfit and then chatter on about how you'll buy him one just like it after he gets his body back.
15. "Did anyone ever ask bạn out on a date? Did bạn ever even GO on a date? Ever??"
16. Ask him if he ever thought of seeing a psychoanalyst.
17. Randomly set out an alert for the Nazgul to hurry back to Mordor. Watch in laughter as they and Sauron bewilderedly try to find out why they are here.
18. Say that bạn "thought he needed a visitor!"
19. Buy him a kitten. Act mortally offended when he doesn't want to pet it.
20. When he does decide to pet it, pull it away saying, "You can't! You'll give it third degree burns!"
21. Better yet, pull it away saying, "You can't! bạn don't have any hands! So THERE!"
22. Ask him if he flosses. Do so regularly.
23. During his speeches to his minions, loudly hum patriotic tunes in the background.
24. Make him watch the Godfather.
25. Make him watch the Princess Bride.
26. Tell him bạn already read the end of Lord of the Rings and â€œit may not turn out like bạn think...â€
27. If ever there should arise a reason for him to say "Doom," you, in the background, make echoing noises ("Doom, doom, doom, doom...")
28. Redecorate Barad-dur. Include lots of pastel and potted plants.
29. If ever he reprimands anyone, shout at the person, "So, nyeah!" and stick your tongue out.
30. Get the Nazgul to play Go cá with bạn every evening.
31. Place multiple spotlights around the hàng đầu, đầu trang of Barad-dur and have them shine in all directions in a slight mockery of how his Eye sweeps around. When he confronts bạn about it, pout and say bạn were only trying to help, seeing as he only has one eyeâ€¦.
32. Buy him Mascara. Say that he may as well look pretty with what he has.
33. Cry out â€œDun người đi đòi nợ, dun dun!â€ during any of his â€œevil moments.â€ Follow this with a wicked laugh. â€œMWAhahahaha!â€
34. Read him bedtime stories.
35. Force him to come thực phẩm shopping with you. Loudly ask him if he ran out of Flintstones Vitamins yet.
36. For Christmas, buy him under-roos, hoặc rather ugly socks.
37. For his birthday, buy him a jewelry box, earrings, and a chuỗi hạt, chuỗi hạt cườm to go in it.
38. Put a big emphasis on all the jewelry bạn buy him being silver. State all the time that â€œgold is sooo last season.â€
39. Play Elton John CDs as loud as bạn can, especially at inopportune moments.
40. Make him read fanfics. Really bad ones.
41. Ask him continually if he wants to set up his own Lord of the Rings người hâm mộ site.
42. Teach him swear words in foreign languages. If he actually uses them, scold him severely.
43. Sign him up for Cub Scouts.
44. Pat him on the head and offer him ice cream whenever the idea just hits you.
45. Make him watch reruns of Pinky and the Brain. Then continually ask him "So Brain, what are we doing tomorrow night?" Act upset when he doesn't respond correctly.
46. Read Cosmopolitan magazine during secret plotting meetings. When he tries to get your attention, look up bewilderedly and say, "Hmm?"
47. Get the Witch-king to read Cosmopolitan too.
48. Get him cheap plastic rings from the 50 Cent gumball machines. Say, "See? This one is better! It has a màu hồng, hồng jewel! bạn don't need that old thing."
49. Knit him sweaters. Really really horrible ones.
50. Sneak into the stables and braid bows into the manes of the Nazgul's horses.
51. Once the ngựa are gone, sneak back into the stable and clip the wings of the winged creatures.
52. When he yells at you, say that thatâ€™s what they do to parakeets and other flying pets, and frankly itâ€™s much safer.
53. Ask where he went to school. When he says he didn't, exclaim, "How can bạn expect to rule the world without an education?"
54. Tell him that Barad-dur clashes with the color of his eye. Offer to paint it.
55. After he says no, paint it anyway just to hiển thị him it was a good idea.
56. When the Nazguls' ngựa die, bring each of them hoa and sniffle loudly.
57. Bring your dog with bạn to secret plotting meetings. Accidentally let it pee on the rug.
58. Let him catch bạn hanging out in Rivendell, talking casually to Elrond.
59. Make him cards all the time. Make sure that they are mostly apologetic and sweetly saying that he is a good friend no matter how bad he is at world leadership.
60. Make him shaped chicken nuggets for dinner, every night.
61. Ask if he ever watched Oprah, and then suggest that he does, as she often talks about people with problems such as his.
62. Let him catch bạn hát Spice Girls songs into a hairbrush, while wearing feather boas and sparkly sdonkeys. If at all possible, get him to tham gia you.
63. Get him tickets for two to see the Nutcracker on Broadway.
64. Use the palantir to watch your soap operas. Make sure it's a really addictive one, and make sure he walks by.
65. Walk in on him watching the soap on the palantir in an empty room. Smile knowingly and ask if Nikolas and Emily got back together yet.
66. Continually ask him how he can hear people, seeing as he has no ears.
67. During these times, repeat "Can bạn hear me now? Good!" as often as possible.
68. Make morning bulletins to his minions over a loudspeaker. Insist on hát the national anthem.
69. If there is no national anthem, write one yourself. Be sure to include, "Saury-kins takes good care of us, we know that with him we shall fly!â€ in a very high pitch.
70. Later, change the words, in case there should ever be a re-election. It just wouldnâ€™t be fair to have one name in the anthem, now would it?
71. Set up a vacation for him at the Lothlorien House of Healing. Say a little mbuttocksage therapy would be good for him.
72. Give the Witch-Kings cell phones. Tell him he's not old enough for one yet and smile apologetically.
73. Tell anyone that comes to see him "He's really only tough on the outside."
74. Constantly disappear from sight for days at a time and reappear only to say, "I was just visiting the Shire!"
75. Bring him back a souvenir. If possible, prosthetic furry feet.
76. Teach the head of the Uruk-Hai to crochet.
77. Sneak on the palantir and program it so that the tiếp theo time it turns on it will only play Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings.
78. Don't tell Sauron how to change the palantir back to normal no matter how he threatens you.
79. Get him to read Harry Potter with you.
80. Ask him if he provides dental plans for his armies. When he says no, ask him if he provides a retirement plan, hoặc some sort of compensation. When he still says no, decide that bạn yourself will at least make gift bags for his minions.
81. Be sure to include shaving gel and razors in the gift bags for the wild men.
82. Include soft face wipes in the gift bags for the orcs.
83. Include a good đọc book, such as To Kill A Mockingbird, in the gift bags for the Uruk-Hai.
84. Include gift certificates to Plaster Fun Time in the bags for the Easterlings.
85. Decide to make bánh mỳ, bánh mì in the Barad-dur kitchens. Accidentally put WAY too much yeast in.
86. Give him summer đọc buttocksignments. Include sách such as Franklin Learns to Share. Have him sound out words with thêm than one syllable.
87. Laugh much too loudly at TV shows while he is trying to read his buttocksignment.
88. If ever a fight breaks out among the orcs, break it up and bring all involved, including Sauron, to Ricki Lake.
89. Convince all the Easterlings to tham gia bạn in giáng sinh Caroling in front of his front door. Be sure to do so in the summertime.
90. After bạn have run out of giáng sinh Carols, start with â€œYou Are My Sunshineâ€ and â€œBicycle Built for Twoâ€ at the hàng đầu, đầu trang of your lungs.
91. Mildly exclaim that bạn can't wait to attend Aragorn's coronation.
92. Plaster Orlando Bloom posters everywhere.
93. Give him a course on etiquette. Begin with a trà Party as a demonstration. Invite all the Nazgul and have him pour trà and make conversation as politely as possible. Award good behavior stickers to the partygoers.
94. Also use stickers to set up an "Employee of the Month" program. Monitor the behavior of the orcs and Uruk-Hai carefully. Stickers for those with best behavior. Creature with the most stickers at the end of a tháng wins.
95. Pester him about his first kiss. A lot.
96. Stare at him for a long time before saying out loud, "I think your problem is youâ€™re just a bit depressed. A therapist could fix that right away."
97. Explain to him in detail the hilarious new episode of Spongebob Squarepants bạn just watched. Continually stop to laugh hysterically and then take five phút to catch your breath before continuing.
98. Set up a quần vợt court on the slopes of Mount Doom for recreation time.
99. Buy him a plastic backpack with Frodoâ€™s smiling picture on it.
100. Explain to him who Saddam Hussein is, and point out parallels between their downfalls and mind problems.
101. Dangle the ring in front of his face.