1.The 'poke' button on Facebook is awesome...
But I think there should be a 'stab' button...

2.was riding a horse yesterday and fell off. I almost got killed! THANK GOODNESS
the Walmart greeter saw what happened and came over and unplugged it.

3. anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has obviously never
tried to staple jello to a tree.

4.Text someone and tell them "Hey, I Mất tích my phone, can bạn call it?"
and see how many people call it

5. 3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape,
and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

6.don't bạn hate it when you're texting and laying on your back and
your phone decides to be a ninja, slips through your fingers, and attacks your face!

7.Robin mui xe was a thief, Mario gets high off of Mushrooms, Snow White lived with 7 men,
Sleeping Beauty always slept in, and our parents wonder why WE are bad!

8. In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Grim Reaper costume
to my funeral and doesn't say a word

9."You know you're too drunk to drive when bạn swerve to miss a tree,
and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror."

10.Dares bạn to go outside, throw a rock at your car and yell
"like a good neighbor statefarm is there!"

11.My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity
,I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it

12.Pshhhh I did not fall... The floor looked at me funny
so I used my mad ninja skills to attack

13.My new word for the ngày is FOCUS,
when someone irritates bạn tell them 2 FOCUS (F*** Off Cuz Ur Stupid)

14. Just remember, everything happens for a reason.
So when I cái tát, đánh đập, smack bạn upside the head, remember... I had a reason!

15.Have bạn ever started laughing for no reason
, then started laughing even harder because bạn were laughing for no reason?
I tình yêu those moments.

16.Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas".
The computer told me "ninjas cannot be found"
Well played, ninjas, well played

17.What the voices in my head tell me to do
would get me arrested in all 50 states and 26 countries

18.Stalking is such a strong word
~ I prefer to think of it thêm as 'intense research' on one individual
~ bởi the way, your missing bít tất, sock is under your bed, with me

19.i think my guardian Angel is bipolar

20. WARNING: I have officially been left unsupervised.
I take no responsibility for what may happen in the tiếp theo few hours.

21.I didn't trip,
I... I was... uh... just... uh... checking the gravity!
Yeah! Just so bạn know, it's all good, it still works.

22. I dare someone to kidnap me
..as soon as my meds wear off..they'll pay me to leave!

23.i wonder if its bad when I'm talking to myself
and I'm not even listening

24. I'm going out to look for myself,
if bạn see me before i return,
please tell myself to call me so i know where i am.

25.I know what your doing,I'm watching u do this,
if your wondering what your doing i would know,wanna know what your doing?
bạn đọc my status bạn stalker!

26.This năm I'm using big words to sound smart...
Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence.

27.Y'know those signs bạn see in towns that say,
"Drive careful, we tình yêu our children".
DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

28. No officer, I did not hit her, I simply Fist Pumped her face!

29. I like throwing Skittles at people and shouting TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
but it's thêm fun to throw tacos at people yelling '

30.I tình yêu to stand in line at ATM machines,
and when people put in their PIN, I yell GOT IT then run away

31. Like a weird neighbor, stalkers are there!

32.Some people were dropped as a baby
. bạn were clearly thrown at a wall. Then feed a bottle of wacko-o juice!

33.Do bạn ever find yourself really bored so bạn go on Facebook
yet bạn find that there is nothing to do except refresh the page until something new pops up?

34.OK think of a number. Add 12 to the number. Subtract 2. Divide that number bởi 5. Add 20. Did bạn get 12? Neither did I.
I just wanted to see if bạn would do it!

35. im going to get a job at walmart as a greeter
and my words of welcome will be "Welcome to freaking walmart! Get ur sh*t and get the hell out!!"

36.Brunette:When I grow up, I'LL GO TO MARS.
Blondie:When I grow up I'LL GO TO THE SUN.
Brunette:But bạn will burn!
Blondie:Don't be stupid, I'll go at night

37.If somebody throws skittles at me and yells "TASTE THE RAINBOW",
I'm gonna throw a 2 liter bottle of Dr.Pepper and yell "TRUST ME I'M THE DOCTOR

38.a few days cách đây I very sternly told the voices in my head to stop talking to me.
Now they are sending me txt mgs say that they r sorry and want to get back2gethr

39.things to do at Walmart: hide behind teddy bears and make evil laughing noises when little kids come by

40.Ever feel like beating someone with a baseball bat to the point of almost unconsciousness, then setting them on fire? No? Just me?

41. I'm not crazy.. don't bạn judge me! Your just jealous cause i get texts from the flying gummy bears and bạn don't!

42.i saw a flying cow yesterday. it was purple and i named him Phillip...i wish the dancing unicorn had seen him but she was too busy laughing at Steve the snake

43. i was sitting there when i got attacked bởi the purple hedgehogs, neon dragons, and glow-in-the-dark leprechauns that kid-napped the unicorn and dâu, dâu tây king

44.I have decided to stop pretending and just be that ninja with the magical penguins and Khủng long and Kỳ lân that everyone KNOWS I am.

45.Have bạn ever tried walking into Walmart and yelling red robin! and seeing how many people say YUM red robin, red robin, come on just say yum!

46. Things to do at Walmart #365: bring hoặc take a tent, set it up in a camping supplies corner, and camp out for the weekend until they kick bạn out!

47.After watching CSI, Cold case, Law & Order, and all those other educational shows, I'm 99% sure I can make sure nobody notices bạn missing. Just saying...

48.I like to call it doing the world a favor. Homicide is just the technical term

49. i think there's something wrong with my guardian angel.
her wings are black and she's sitting with the devil and laughing hysterically at everything and everyone

50.I got a special care pkg. in the mail. It had duct tape, a meat tenderizer,
a hole cú đấm and a note saying " don't get caught"! (sigh) I tình yêu my friends!

51.I find myself meeting people who give me the honor of thinking up new words... Dipshidiot! (dip-shid-iot)

52.backwards this read bạn making am i why exactly is that, never? bạn to nice been ever I have when since (now read it backwards)

53.What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck

54. O I dare bạn to walk up to any officer and say:
I didnt do it I didnt kill her, the assassination wasnt part of the plan.' Then run fast! I bet they'll chase u

55.I'm bored & in need of some adventure. I say we get drunk, get stupid, get a stick, go poke something with teeth and see if we can outrun it.

56.Why do people always think my Những người bạn and I are high? WE'RE NOT ON DRUGS! We're just crazy, and loud, and random, and scooby doo (but that's a different story)

57. Smile people will wonder what your up to.But grin like crazy and they will want to know what the hell bạn just did

58.Isn't it funny how everyone thinks they are the normal one in their family?

59.For Sale! One used alarm clock. damn thing rings when I am trying to sleep.

60. im on my way to Walmart to take the "try me" stickers off the noise making toys and stick them on condom boxes.