can any body look at my story for me and bình luận what bạn think and if bạn would read a một giây chapter?[there is a link in the details]

Okay, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get through the first paragraph of this story because of the appalling amount of spelling and grammatical errors in it. There aren't even spaces between the punctuation marks, and bạn use the wrong "to". What grade must bạn be in to not have learned which "to" to use? Your sentences are run-ons and they have little relevancy. There is no flow to your story; it's just choppy and uninteresting. I would suggest that bạn use Microsoft Word to rewrite this (spell-check) and possibly your mom hoặc English teacher. I wouldn't really want to read another chapter of this. Plus, it sounds just like Twilight. Except much, much worse. I'm sorry if you're offended bởi this, but it just isn't very good. I didn't want to sugarcoat it. I'm sure it could be a very good story, if maybe bạn asked for help from an adult hoặc older sibling. Again, sorry, but as someone once said: "Lies never help anything, not in the long run, anyway. It's better to make an honest mess and clean it up." hoặc something like that, sorry, I don't have the quote in front of me. But bạn should definitely give it another go, just make sure bạn chỉnh sửa your work.