thảo luận A Message from John Cleese (Apparently :P)

knifewrench posted on Apr 23, 2008 at 04:11PM

To: The citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for president of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem: God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God Save The Queen.

Only He can.
last edited on Apr 24, 2008 at 10:21PM

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hơn một năm qua dazl said…
I love this. First time I read it, I doubled up.
hơn một năm qua harold said…
What will the French and Spanish say about the reversion, I wonder, given that the majority of the current US belonged to those countries and not the UK at the start of independence...?

Edit: Oh, I forgot the Russians (Pacific Northwest and Alaska) and the native americans/Hawaiians (much less the various protectorates)... sounds like a five-sided war to me. But I'm OK speaking Spanish, though any of my Spanish overlords would laugh at my parochial Mexican accent. Anyhow, it's back to the Mission's data plantation for me...
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hơn một năm qua maybeastarbucks said…
I'd be fine with this...

but I wouldn't allow most Americans with a vegetable peeler - only the 2.1 % of us that "are aware that there is a world beyond [our] borders".

I don't celebrate July 4th as Independence Day. I celebrate it as the day I go to Canada in a vain attempt to avoid the boisterous firecrackers that everyone I live near insists on blowing up until 2:00.

My only gripe is the $6/gallon gas, but if we're paying four bucks, we'll probably pay six.
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hơn một năm qua Snerkie said…
haha, that's fantastic :) except "football" isn't soccer <_< soccer is soccer, football is either AFL (aussie footy) or that crap you americans play :P
hơn một năm qua DrDevience said…
There is no such thing as 'Soccer.' It is, and always will be, Football... or fotball, fötboll, futbol, or any number of spellings - but never, ever, Soccer.
hơn một năm qua DrDevience said…
Having said that, The UK is only barely less delusional than the USA. Cameras everywhere, anyone?

Let a really and truly free country take over...
hơn một năm qua knifewrench said…
But which country is truly free?
hơn một năm qua Gstine said…
Hilarious. Although...

(I feel compelled to warn you that I'm about to gnit-pick the facts of a humor-based article in a very annoying way)

... even though baseball was invented in America, it's become very popular in Latin and Asian countries. Still, our "World Series" consists of American teams and Toronto so calling it a World Series is still pretty ridiculous.
hơn một năm qua DrDevience said…
Knifewrench: None

But the Scandinavian countries are closer to it than any others.
hơn một năm qua dazl said…
Ireland will take over. Sure, why not? Decent music, language (Irish, not English), great people...and we'll give everyone a free T-shirt.
hơn một năm qua amazondebs said…
snerkie, we invented football and although we may suck at it of late it is call football, lol

and ooo please let the americans play rugby against us because well frankly, i would thrash them lol

*drinks earl grey from cup*
hơn một năm qua harold said…
"Soccer" originated in the UK as slang for association football, as opposed to gridiron football (often called "American Football") or rugby football (often called "rugby"). As such it always amuses me that the people who get most bent out of shape by someone calling association football "soccer" are usually from the UK. But then again, the thing about slang is that it goes out of vogue, doesn't it? It strikes me as similar to the outrage and embarrassment that middle-aged parents evidence when their offspring use their old slang to mock them: "Yeah, that's really far out, ma!"

Edit: (answering the phone - uh-oh, it's my patrón!) "Bueno? Sí, sí, jefe, estoy trabajando! Ahora, sí...claro, claro. Adiós..."
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hơn một năm qua meeee said…
I'm with dazl we will also teach people about potatoes!!!
hơn một năm qua LoopyLuna96 said…
big smile
Haha, hilarious. I love it!